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I 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 






















































“THE WORST PUNISHMENT THAT THEY COULD THINK 
OF WAS BOILING IN OIL. COMMONPLACE” 






































































EFFICIENCY IN 

HADES ' 

THE ROMANTIC ADVENTURES 
OF AN ENTERPRISING EXPERT 
IN THE LOWER WORLD 


BY 

ROBERT B. VALE 

M 

ILLUSTRATED BY 

STUART HAY 



NEW YORK 


FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY 

MCMXXIII 


Copyright, 1923, by 
Frederick A. Stokes Company 


All Rights Reserved 



Printed in the United States of America 



PRELIMINARY 


Once upon a time, I beheld a frightened child 
of nine years seat herself timidly in the broad wit¬ 
ness chair of a city courtroom. She had been called 
to testify in defense of her accused father. Quite 
a pretty slip of a youngster and named for a very 
excellent saint. To make certain that she knew the 
nature of an oath the kindly judge asked, as is the 
custom, “Do you know what will happen if you tell 
a lie?” 

“Yes, sir; I will go to the Bad Place.” So she was 
allowed to proceed. 

What she told was distressing but it was beau¬ 
tiful. The gentle maid did lie; and, being un¬ 
trained, her falsehoods were so transparent that 
the jurors smiled incredulously; but these twelve 
excellent men freed her parent. Why? Because 
they admired the devotion that would send a tiny 
soul cheerfully to the blistering, blasting gates of 
Perdition. 

Thus inspired, from a casual interest in Hell I 
developed a yearning to know more about it, and, 
in good season, perhaps will come to a full and com¬ 
plete understanding. Much information gathered 
has been eliminated by the publishers who felt that 
the historical details were too horrible for our age. 


Vll 


yin 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


Just now it seems to me that Hades needs improv¬ 
ing, hence this bit of fiction concerning the efforts 
of one skilled in efficiency. 

It will be noted that several characters are not 
found in sacred or profane history. I invented 
them and consigned them to Inferno, a right any¬ 
body can exercise. 

Finally, as an act of filial affection, this volume is 


Dedicated to 
Adam. 



ILLUSTRATIONS 


“The worst punishment that they could think of was 

boiling in oil. Commonplace” . . Frontispiece 

FACING 

PAGE 

“Passing through corridors of many-hued marbles” . 8 

“As a fun producer it was regarded as the top-notcher” 74 
“ ‘Swat him,’ shrieked the prisoners in the street” 


142 






EFFICIENCY IN HADES 






EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


CHAPTER I 

A CHEAP and run-down sort of a Hell; an 
over-advertised place filled with confusion, 
and suffering from poor management. What 
it needs is system.” 

The lone figure leaning over a retaining wall of 
jagged lava built on the edge of a precipice was 
disappointed. 

“It’s certain that the chaps who are running this 
resort cannot have the slightest conception of effi¬ 
ciency else they would install smoke consumers.” 

Springtime in Hades. A season of awakening 
for all Inferno. The air was surcharged with me¬ 
phitic fumes of burning pitch floating lazily out of 
the Valley of Hinnom. Warm breezes told of the 
breaking up of winter. Here and there delicate 
petals of sulphur flowers dotted the landscape. 
From an overhanging ledge of archaic rock came the 
booming notes of a male phoenix making love to his 
mate. Joyous shouts reechoed in a nearby glen 
where a group of juvenile devils in wild abandon 
hurled toasting forks at terrified, fleeing sinners. 

From the crest of the mountain the stranger 

l 


2 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


caught the whole panorama; as far as the eye could 
see, white-hot, red-hot ridges; throbbing valleys 
whose curling, rolling clouds of gases and vapor 
spelled industry and prosperity. He was standing 
near a great boulevard that trailed its way among 
the heights closely following the sinuosities of a 
towering range. Quite devoid of pedestrians or 
ordinary wheeled traffic, it seemed to be a private 
roadway. 

The solitary critic was short and muscular; ap¬ 
parently about thirty years old. He wore the field 
dress of a civil engineer, wool shirt, trousers, stout 
shoes and slouch hat. Coated with yellow dust, his 
skin took on the same hue as his sandy locks. His 
eyes were those of the student and dreamer; his 
square jaw and quick movements revealed the doer 
of deeds. Absorbed by the scenes below he failed 
to catch the sound of approaching wheels; an equi¬ 
page swung around the slight bend and to avoid 
running him down its driver stopped. He had 
never beheld such an outfit; a chariot of burnished 
copper drawn by steeds half dragon, half equine. 
The occupants were a woman and a coachman, but 
the stranger of the highway saw only one. She was 
superbly fair; a thin band of gold caught up rich 
black curls in a Grecian knot; a flowing robe of 
white edged with purple draped wonderfully molded 
shoulders and exposed a delicate neck. She studied 
the stranger, half resenting his stare. 

“I thought I was in Hades,” he spoke. 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


3 


“You are.” 

“Until I beheld you,” he added. 

A radiant glow chased away the slight frown. 

“Doubtless you are a newcomer and have seen 
only the common herd. We do have some fine peo¬ 
ple, however. When did you arrive?” 

“Day before yesterday.” 

“And what are you doing on our private grounds? 
Did you not see the signs ‘Keep Out’ at the gates?” 

“Beauty is ever forgiving and you will pardon my 
trespassing, but I had a little argument with an 
underling and thought I would go direct to head¬ 
quarters and straighten it out with the Old One.” 

“You must be more respectful. To us he is ‘The 
Chief.’ What was the trouble?” 

“You are so liberal and so intelligent that I can 
quickly explain. This lieutenant devil put me to 
work shoveling coal and refused to listen when I told 
him that mechanical stokers could get better results 
with one-half the hired hands. He called me a 
theorist; asked me if I thought I could run Hades 
any better than the Old—I beg your pardon—than 
The Chief, and I said I believed I could. So he 
kicked me out—said he didn’t propose to have any 
two-by-fours disorganizing his crew.” 

“What do you expect from The Chief?” 

“I can’t tell. Now that I am here I may be able 
to give him some advice.” 

Gazing abstractedly toward the stranger, the 
young woman remarked: “Under such conditions 


4 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 

my suggestion is that you keep away from The 
Chief. Wait until you get better acquainted before 
you bring up the subject. You might wound his 
feelings. May I ask who you are and what your 
business is?” 

“James P. MacDonald, Efficiency Engineer; late 
of New York and Aberdeen.” 

“And what is an Efficiency Engineer? If I recol¬ 
lect, you are the first of that profession to attain to 
perdition.” 

“Naturally you meet such large numbers that it is 
difficult to remember faces. There are so many 
coming and going.” 

“Not going; but pray tell more of your profes¬ 
sion; it interests me.” 

“Thank you! We try to make two blades of 
grass grow where but one grew before. Figura¬ 
tively,” he added hastily as he glanced across an 
expanse of ashes and bowlders. “Only we accom¬ 
plish the result without using any more soil, sunshine 
or rain. In other words, we assert that there is 
fifty per cent waste in the operation af all industry 
—waste of labor, time and material. By applying 
scientific methods we hope ultimately to get a hun¬ 
dred per cent efficiency.” 

“And are you measurably successful on earth?” 

“My dear madam, if you had kept in touch with 
the situation you would not ask such a question.” 

“I must apologize for my ignorance, but you 
know we have quite enough to attend to here without 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 5 

dabbling in the affairs of others.” She smiled enig¬ 
matically and added: 

“How foolish I am, loitering on this hot road. 
But I want to hear more of your ambition. Per¬ 
chance you may arouse the curiosity of The Chief. 
You will find him a liberal-minded man. Oh, I know 
he has his enemies, but he is misunderstood. Won’t 
you call on us this evening? Time passes so slowly 
that we are always seeking diversion. Try to make 
it eight o’clock—you cannot miss ‘The Turrets’— 
that massive group of buildings at the end of the 
boulevard. Proceed, Horace.” 

“Pardon me, but on whose invitation will your 
servants admit?” MacDonald called after her. 

“Simply say you have an appointment with The 
Lady. It will be sufficient.” And the chariot rolled 
away. 

“She is magnificent,” mused the Efficiency Engi¬ 
neer. “A jewel in Hades. Can it be possible that I 
am the first in this field; that I am a pioneer? Per¬ 
haps through her I can—” His blood boiled with 
enthusiasm as he beheld the countless furnaces, the 
millions upon millions of the damned and the in¬ 
numerable throng of officials, superintendents and 
foremen. 

“What a stupendous opportunity; a MacDonald 
in control of Hell, and all eternity to work out the 
plans!” 

He strolled to the parapet and, selecting a fairly 
smooth cap-stone, seated himself to overlook the 


6 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


country. Noon passed, afternoon elapsed; still he 
remained with his legs dangling over the abyss while 
in his brain a gigantic scheme was evolved. Darken¬ 
ing shadows of night spread across space. Suddenly 
he recalled the engagement; leaping to his feet he 
stepped into the road. 

“Just time enough for me to reach The Turrets.” 
The engineer swept on his way with elastic strides 
toward a burst of glow in the distance. A vision of 
splendor overwhelmed the expert. On the highest 
crag of the ridge rose towers and battlements of a 
structure built on vast proportions. Constructed of 
basalt blocks of the deepest, richest black Nature 
could dye, the castle stood out in silhouette against a 
field of crimson that shimmered and played like the 
quivering rays of the aurora. Intermittent flashes 
of lightning, now purple, now calcium, threw battle¬ 
ments, columns and buttresses into vivid detail. 

Enthralled, MacDonald advanced. He crossed 
a drawbridge suspended across a moat filled with 
molten copper. Just ahead was a mosaic plaza in 
the center of which a fountain of liquid silver sent 
its spray high in the air. He was admiring this 
spectacle when he felt the jab of a trident in the calf 
of his leg and heard a voice: 

“Visitors are not allowed here.” 

One of the palace guards, a trim chap, attired in 
red, with sinewy arms that glistened like rich old 
bronze, caught him by the shoulder and swung him 
around. 



“PASSING THROUGH CORRIDORS OF MANY-HUED 

MARBLES” 



























































































f 


l 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 9 

“But, my lad, I have an appointment with The 
Lady.” 

“That is different; you will excuse my haste in 
prodding you. This way, sir.” 

Passing through corridors of many-hued marbles 
and traversing vast chambers fitted with bewildering 
furnishings they came to a wing of The Turrets 
more brilliantly illuminated than the others. Secre¬ 
taries dashed back and forth while innumerable 
servants scurried on various missions. 

“Announce this gentleman; he has an appointment 
with The Lady,” directed the guard. A sedate 
butler standing to the left of the entrance bowed. 

“Your card.” The engineer fumbled in his pockets 
and was confused. 

“You have none? Do not let it annoy you. It is 
a small matter.” The polite butler wrapped his tail 
twice around his body, held the spear-like tip grace¬ 
fully in his left hand, bowed once more and disap¬ 
peared. He returned in a few seconds. 

“This way, The Chief and his Lady await.” 

“Assuredly a well-trained household and more 
than I expected,” thought the Efficiency Expert. He 
followed his guide through more wide halls to the 
threshold of a reception chamber. 

Scarcely three feet beyond the parted curtains 
stood The Lady with outstretched hands. At her 
side was The Chief. She wore an evening gown of 
opal blue, a strangely flowing material of a mode in 
which appeared to blend all of the styles the ages 


10 EFFICIENCY IN HADES 

had known. Neither ancient nor modern, it became 
a part of The Lady. She had dressed her hair in 
the same simple fashion, save instead of the gold 
band, a single diamond on her brow flashed and 
quivered and hurled prismatic hues. Her pink feet 
rested in soft sandals of woven gold. 

“Thrice welcome, my friend.” She spoke with 
the breath of earnestness in tones that floated away 
like the sound of a murmuring brook. “Thrice wel¬ 
come to our home. My Chief, this is Mr. Mac¬ 
Donald of whom I spoke, who thinks we are behind 
the times.” 

“Originality appeals to me,” announced the 
master, advancing with a warm grasp. “I reject no 
man’s ideas. Long experience has taught me that 
advancement comes through the fostering of initia¬ 
tive and I have no fixed notions about the operation 
of Hell. What I have accomplished has been due 
to the cooperation of others. But let us be seated.” 

Placing an arm around the waist of The Lady and 
inclining his head toward the far end of the apart¬ 
ment he moved forward in lithe dignity. Mac¬ 
Donald, following, took the opportunity to study 
his host. 

The Chief could not, as men judge, have been 
more than fifty. His poise was one of strength and 
self-confidence. Large black eyes set wide apart and 
high forehead gave proof of superior intelligence. 
Every movement indicated alertness. Cruelty and 
tenderness both were missing; grace and courtesy 
dominated. He was a little under six feet tall. His 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 11 

skin was tanned but smooth and clear. He wore 
evening dress. 

The Lady sank into a chalcedony chair over 
which was thrown a soft rug, both texture and 
material of which were unfamiliar to the new¬ 
comer. 

“Our furnishings may seem odd to you,” she ex¬ 
plained. “We are compelled to use substantial arti¬ 
cles. This rug is an asbestos weave. The climate 
is severe on textiles you know. My servants com¬ 
plain that the smoke makes it impossible to keep up 
fireproof lace curtains more than a day.” 

“Yes, my dear,” interjected The Chief, “but if we 
had no smoke I would be out of a job and you 
couldn’t afford lace curtains.” Then turning to the 
guest he drew MacDonald down beside him on a 
black marble settee. 

“I’ve heard a few references to efficiency from 
some railroad presidents, I believe, but they damned 
it so enthusiastically that I paid slight attention. 
Would you mind outlining it?” 

“Not at all; it’s a hobby I like to talk about. Let 
me give you an example. Suppose I want to build 
a brick house. I employ masons. The bricks are 
brought up and dumped in a pile. Every time the 
mason puts in a brick he must go to the pile, pick up 
a brick, carry it to the wall and set it in place. That 
brick mason gets two dollars an hour. By mathe¬ 
matical calculation we have found that the skilled 
employee wastes forty per cent of his time carrying 
bricks. Now, if I employ a boy at two dollars a day 


12 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


to carry those bricks and lay them at the spot where 
the mason intends to set them I erect the house in 
forty per cent less time and save money.” 

“Isn’t that grand?” interposed The Lady. “So 
simple.” 

“Efficiency is simplicity,” replied MacDonald. 
“Take our railroads. It was the practice to disre¬ 
gard the hauling strength of locomotives. An en¬ 
gine capable of pulling sixty loaded cars was sent 
out with thirty. That meant that two locomotives 
and two train crews were employed to do what could 
have been done by one. It was a scandalous waste 
and continued until our efficiency men changed it. 
We have demonstrated that there is no field where 
we cannot accomplish results. We are the advance 
agents of the higher civilization, the accelerators of 
the millennium.” 

“And because of your training you find upon 
arrival here an opportunity to demonstrate your 
theories on a large scale?” 

“Exactly. Do not take offence when I declare, 
as an expert, that Hell can stand considerable im¬ 
provement.” 

“In what way?” 

“Speaking offhand, I should say that there ought 
to be more central control. Your units do not appear 
to be working in harmony.” 

“I am the central control.” 

“Yes, but the units are not knit together. Have 
you ever taken an industrial survey of Hell?” 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


13 


“No, I never saw the need.” 

“Great mistake, Chief. A survey is a wonderful 
thing. It shows just where you stand. You can’t 
imagine how much we have helped you by taking a 
survey of the vice problem.” 

“I knew there was some reason for the influx,” 
ejaculated The Lady. “My dear, I feel sure this 
young man can aid you.” 

“Thank you,” and MacDonald bowed. He con¬ 
tinued with enthusiasm: “Let me install my system 
and in six months you won’t know this place. On 
earth the movement is sweeping like wildfire; there 
is no reason why it should not sweep like hell-fire 
down here. Can you give me your population?” 

“Not offhand. One authority estimated that we 
had in all our hells about 1,000,000,000,000,000,- 
000,000 souls.” 

“Magnificent!” shouted the Efficiency Engineer. 
“That’s a force worth handling. And how many 
bosses are employed?” 

“Well, Gulielmus Parisenses counted 44,435,556 
devils, running from division superintendents to 
messengers, but that was during the Middle Ages, 
when more folks took an interest in us than to-day. 
No doubt we have taken on additional help since 
then and I should say that in round numbers forty- 
five million devils of all degrees would be correct.” 

“Superb! I beg of you do not miss this oppor¬ 
tunity to get results out of such a wonderful indus¬ 
trial plant.” 


CHAPTER II 


t | ^IIE CHIEF smiled. MacDonald’s intensity 
already had won an ally in The Lady. 

“Think, my dear,” she remarked. “Save 
for a few minor frills we have not had the slightest 
improvement in Hades for more than three hundred 
years. I am beginning to feel a trifle bored. No 
new hells have been established and no new notes 
from the shrieks of the damned. Suppose you give 
Mr. MacDonald a trial. No harm can come of it.” 

“I cannot see how you can help me, my friend. 
Perhaps I am a bit old-fashioned but I have peculiar 
notions about running Hell. When I started this 
place I had visions of doing great things. I devised 
many punishments and was jealous of prerogatives. 
Time went on, business grew, and I mellowed. I 
said that I would not assume to know it all. Gradu¬ 
ally I was forced to the conclusion that the ideal Hell 
was one in which every sect had a say in the manage¬ 
ment. Since then we have had little or no trouble. 

“I started with a most insignificant industry. 
Look out of the window and see how we have ex¬ 
panded. Take our Christian Hell. It is divided 
into innumerable subsidiaries. Catholics, Metho¬ 
dists, Lutherans, Greeks, Abyssinians, Copts and 
Holy Rollers—all have their peculiar hells. I have 

allowed them to furnish and decorate these hells to 

14 



EFFICIENCY IN HADES 15 

suit themselves. To make the Mohammedans happy 
I equipped a place of torment that takes seventy 
years to reach the bottom and it contains seven sub¬ 
hells, each complete in all details. In one of them 
we have our justly famous hell-snakes with two 
humps like a Bactrian camel; also the hell-scorpions 
which carry saddles. Could any person do more? 

“I will admit that our Greek Hell is not so unique 
but I gave them what they wanted. Few of the 
Classics believed in me anyway, and many refused to 
take accommodations here. It is a gloomy little hell 
and doesn’t interest me. On the other hand the 
Egyptians were unreasonable. They insisted upon 
quarters fixed up with seventy-five sub-hells. Did I 
kick or tell them that a dozen would be ample for 
any group, that after all it was a matter of enter¬ 
tainment and not space? No, I gave them their 
seventy-five hells without a murmur. And yet I am 
the most execrated man in the universe. 

“Centuries were spent in refitting up the twenty- 
one hells of the Brahmins, and after the job was 
finished the worst punishment that they could think 
of was boiling in oil. Commonplace. Notice, on 
the other hand, how appreciative the Buddhists 
were. All they asked was eight hells, and very little 
excavating required at that. At the deepest point 
only forty thousand miles. In one hell the sinners 
are compelled to swim across a river of razors. 
There is originality for you. No wonder I can’t do 
too much for this crowd. 


16 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


“When it comes to detail of management the 
Jewish hell will be worth your study. They have 
only seven divisions but each one is three hundred 
years deep, or a total depth of twenty-one hundred 
years. The contractor who took the job lost money 
on it. I have seven sub-devils there and each one 
has two secretaries. There are seven thousand holes 
and in each hole are seven thousand fissures and in 
each fissure are seven thousand spiders. To collect 
those three hundred forty-three billions of spiders, 
all of them healthy and guaranteed to bite, was a 
man’s size job. I must admit that I take some pride 
in one equipment. It is a double tank, one side hot 
water and the other ice water. Some of the most 
delightful days I have known were spent in watching 
employees duck the damned from one tank to the 
other; and they kept it up for hours at a time.” 

Thrilled by the statistics and details, MacDonald 
bent forward, listening intently. 

“But all this is incidental. What I started out to 
say was that I believe in giving every church, sect or 
individual the sort of Hell required. I try to satisfy 
everybody. The hells of the more modern creeds 
are, to my mind, inefficient and unsatisfactory and 
if I am lacking in management I want to know it. 
We cannot afford to let this place run down.” 

“I do not mean, my dear Chief, that you have a 
worthless Hell,” protested MacDonald, “but I do 
insist that with all the vast equipment you are not 
getting results commensurate with investment. In- 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


17 


crease your output and reduce your operating ex¬ 
penses. I ask you fairly, does it show good manage¬ 
ment to allow your imps to chase sinners on foot? 
Equip these hellions with motorcycles and see how 
much time can be saved in running down victims.” 

For the first time The Chief showed enthusiasm. 

“There is a gem of an idea. You haven’t the least 
idea, Mr. MacDonald, how many automobile owners 
reach here. I can round them up in a fine big field 
and turn loose a few regiments of joy-riding devils 
in high power machines with instructions to smash 
headlights on the dodging damned.” 

“I did not mean it just that way, Chief, I merely 
wanted to illustrate a time-saving device.” 

“We want ideas; possibly I can give you a trial.” 

“You are a dear old fellow,” cried The Lady. 
“Let Mr. MacDonald start in at once. We can 
find quarters for him in one of the wings of the 
castle.” 

Preparing to enter into a more comprehensive dis¬ 
cussion of his plans, the Efficiency Engineer felt a 
hot, jagged tongue lick his hand. He turned and 
saw a monstrous foul beast squatting at the side 
of the settee. With a howl of fright he leaped for¬ 
ward and ran toward the door. A peal of laughter 
from The Lady impelled him to stop. 

“Only my pet horned cerastes. Lie down, Prince.” 
The beast snuggled up close to the feet of his mis¬ 
tress. 

“I am not accustomed as yet to all of the little 


18 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


peculiarities of Hell,” MacDonald apologized. 
“You must pardon my abruptness. After a few 
weeks no doubt I shall feel at home.” 

“While you are recovering composure I will send 
for a valued lieutenant who will be of considerable 
help to you.” The Chief clapped his hands. “Sum¬ 
mon Lucifer,” he commanded to the butler. 

The Lady excused herself: 

“There are some small duties connected with my 
household that must be attended to,” she explained. 
“I will have the pleasure of meeting you gentlemen 
later in the evening.” The horned cerastes lumbered 
after her. 

“There is a fine woman,” whispered The Chief. 
“She runs the place like clockwork. No disorder, 
no petty jealousies, no fault-finding. She takes an 
interest in home life. Often, when I feel tired of 
the everlasting sameness and long for a change, her 
very presence cheers me up. I am not a sensitive 
person but I have been so much abused that at times 
I become resentful. I know this is not a proper 
spirit for even a devil to show but I cannot help it. 
It is not so bad now as formerly. I have heard that 
I even have some friends on earth but my enemies 
are in the majority. I think it was six or eight hun¬ 
dred years ago, very recently anyway, that St. Cath¬ 
erine of Siena made the outrageous assertion that 
rather than see me twice she would walk barefooted 
over a street of burning coal. I ask you, was it not 
unkind? I was feeling downcast over it when The 


EFFICIENCY UN HADES 


19 


Lady went into the works and induced several hun¬ 
dred of our most notable guests to sign a set of 
resolutions attesting to my excellent character. Little 
things like that are part of her life. But here is 
Lucifer. 

“Greetings, dear fellow. Meet Mr. James P. 
MacDonald, a rather unusual arrival. He has a 
few suggestions to make about management and 
since I do not want them to conflict with your operat¬ 
ing system I thought it best to get you two gentle¬ 
men together.” 

“Without appearing to be rude,” replied Lucifer, 
“may I ask Mr. MacDonald what he knows about 
Hell?” 

“Tut, tut, old fellow. Why only last century you 
were complaining how slow things were getting.” 

“Yes, but that was before the Infinite Worm 
started to stir up a racket. Since then I’ve had my 
hands full. Not to speak of the kicks coming from 
that new Mormon hell. They fix up a punishment 
that possesses some originality and then try to renig. 
Or the mix-up over at the Christian Hell with count¬ 
less new arrivals still scrapping over what they call 
the World War. But I am uncivil; The Worm has 
upset me.” 

“What has the Infinite been doing?” Turning 
to MacDonald, The Chief elucidated: “This is one 
of our valuable assets. Unique as a biological speci¬ 
men it has a utilitarian value above anything else in 
our collection. It is part of the equipment of the 


20 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


Christian Hell. The particular piece of work it is 
supposed to perform is gobbling up sinners. The 
Infinite Worm catches them by the thousands, gulps 
them down with a smile and looks for more. The 
interior of the reptile is a furnace lined with fire 
brick, and when it gets the sinners properly digested 
it spews them out in the form of cinders. Always 
tractable, I cannot understand what has happened 
to upset it.” 

“Simply this,” retorted Lucifer with a snap. “It 
has a grudge against the Boss Mason. Claims that 
inferior fire brick have been used for the last fifty 
years and its disposition has been so nasty recently 
that the Boss Mason refuses to have anything 
further to do with it. All the lining of the middle 
section has tumbled in and it’s got the worst sort of 
indigestion. Groans horribly all the time and kicks 
up such a row that the folks in the Scandanavian 
Hell threaten to move out unless it is quieted.” 

“Serious indeed,” agreed The Chief. “Can you 
not get it to apologize to the Boss Mason?” 

“No, says it will see itself in Hell first.” 

“Efficiency must be impaired by at least forty per 
cent,” volunteered MacDonald. 

“Worse than that,” declared Lucifer. It can’t 
assimilate sinners at all and refuses to swallow any 
more.” 

“How are you melting your iron and lead for the 
damned?” queried MacDonald. 

“The old-fashioned open pot method,” replied 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 21 

Lucifer, “but what that has got to do with the 
Infinite Worm I fail to see.” 

“Perhaps if you suggested that the suffering 
lizard turn itself into a Bessemer steel converter 
you might stimulate pride and get greater efficiency 
out of it. You can then scrap the melting pot and 
gain additional floor space.” 

“But what are you going to do with the sinners?” 

“We will find work for them; that is one of the 
beauties of the efficiency system.” 

“And how about the deputy devils you throw out 
of work? Certainly they deserve some considera¬ 
tion.” 

“Our friend Mr. MacDonald will take care of 
them I am sure,” interjected The Chief. 

“Don’t think I am hunting an argument, Chief. 
I know what we are up against and I merely seek to 
give him a proper conception of the situation. 
There’s a lot of difference between running a black¬ 
smith shop and a highly specialized Hell. Experi¬ 
ence teaches me that the man who attempts it should 
grow up with the job.” 

“You will grant me,” came the diplomatic answer 
of the Efficiency Engineer, “that all systems, meth¬ 
ods and applications at present in use here came 
from the earth.” 

“That is correct.” 

“Has Hell produced a single new idea in the past 
million years?” 

“Not one,” came the quick admission of The 


22 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


Chief. “Now be reasonable, Lucifer. I am quite 
anxious to try this new system. Assuredly, you will 
agree that if he can pacify the Infinite Worm you 
will be grateful.” 

“Yes, if Mr. MacDonald can make terms with 
that unreasonable beast I will become a convert to 
efficiency. Only I don’t think he can.” 

“Now, gentlemen,” added The Chief, “let us dis¬ 
cuss the broader phase of this new undertaking. 
Have you any general plan of reorganization in 
mind, my friend?” 

“Yes. At the present time your organization is 
too loose. It should be more concrete. If I am 
correctly informed the general scheme embodies a 
cosmopolitan Hell made up of many inferior or 
subsidiary hells. All these are different in area, 
architecture and motives. You maintain jurisdiction 
over all. You also have a General Staff composed 
of Arch-Devils of which Lucifer is the head. In 
addition there is your force of division superinten¬ 
dents, called Sub-Devils, who control the manage¬ 
ment of the minor hells. Finally, the hosts of plain 
devils, imps, satyrs, hellions, etc., assigned to either 
the General Staff, the minor hells or on detached 
service. As I see it, there is no effort to fix responsi¬ 
bility or to aim at a common goal. By your praise¬ 
worthy efforts, Chief, it is plain that you have built 
up in your staff a spirit of loyalty and enthusiasm 
which is commendable. This will make my work 
easier.” 



EFFICIENCY IN HADES 23 

Both The Chief and Lucifer nodded their appre¬ 
ciation and MacDonald continued: 

“Hell is run on the twenty-four-hour-a-day plan 
but in my judgment a grave mistake has been made 
in allowing the employees to work through the full 
period. They should be divided into shifts. There 
is a universal demand for an eight-hour day and Hell 
must be prepared to accept the inevitable. Upon 
this basis then, we shall build the organization. I 
will, within a few days, prepare a chart showing the 
relationship between the various department heads. 
We can dispense with many positions and consolida¬ 
tion shall dominate. As a necessary adjunct will 
come the inauguration of office forms. 

“The old habit of entering the names of the 
damned in a record book will not answer. We shall 
use the card index system. Within a few minutes 
the record of any inhabitant will be available for 
reference purposes.” 

“I’m for the efficiency system,” ejaculated Luci¬ 
fer. “You recall that one fellow, Chief. He was 
assigned to the Angle-iron Division in Primitive 
Methodist Hell but escaped and was beating it for 
the Eskimo Hell when a truant officer picked him 
up. All that we could get out of him was that he 
was Bill Jones. Think of all the Bill Joneses we 
have. It took the bookkeeping department four 
years to find his entry in the ledger and he loafed 
in the interim.” 


24 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


Lucifer apologized for the interruption and the 
Efficiency Engineer resumed: 

“Also we can have cost sheets which in time will 
enable us to ascertain the exact outlay of operating 
the plant. Time sheets will be a check on the cost 
sheets. But the best results will come from the 
report sheets. Each employee will be asked to make 
out a detailed statement of his labor. These will 
be summarized at the close of the day so that The 
Chief will at all times be in touch with conditions. 
Any negligence will speedily make itself apparent 
and be quickly corrected.” 

“There may be some new wrinkles that I don’t 
understand,” declared Lucifer, “but this sounds sus¬ 
piciously like something that we used to call ‘red 
tape.’ You cut that out long ago, Chief, saying that 
if there was one place free from red tape it ought to 
be Hades.” 

“The two things are dissimilar,” MacDonald 
hastened to make clear. “Efficiency eliminates red 
tape.” 

“It strikes me that you use a lot of forms to help 
in the elimination.” 

The arrival of The Lady ended the conversation. 
She had thrown a chiffon wrap across her shoulders. 

“To keep off the chill of the night air,” she told 
them. “We will sit on the balcony and enjoy the 
fireworks. I understand that Jove has been experi¬ 
menting with some new designs. Quite a number of 
officials and many commoners have assembled al¬ 
ready. Let us hasten.” 


CHAPTER III 


F ROM the extreme north wing of the castle 
the ridge sloped away in a gentle declivity 
for a dozen miles. Here the comparatively 
level grounds were thronged with spectators. All 
the points of vantage on The Turrets were taken by 
invited guests. Lucifer introduced MacDonald to 
several hundred of the more prominent devils. Most 
of the officials were accompanied by women. 

“Over there is a very fascinating lady I want you 
to meet,” he suggested, dragging his companion 
through the crowd to where a group of men sur¬ 
rounded a vivacious matron. Her flashes of wit, 
quick retorts and clever repartee created a series of 
applause from the admirers. She was the only 
woman who wore her hair pompadour fashion. The 
Efficiency Engineer felt that it accentuated her spark¬ 
ling nature. 

“May I, Madame, present a late arrival, Mr. 
James MacDonald?” spoke Lucifer with homage. 

“Never call a Scot late.” With a slight curtsy 
to the engineer she appealed, “Escort me, sir, to 
some fair spot where, with my loyal supporters, I 
can witness the pyrotechnics. See, The Lady has 
already taken her place.” 

MacDonald allowed the frail figure who clung 

25 


26 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


to his arm to direct a course which led to a tier of 
stone benches near one of the bastions. They had 
scarcely seated themselves when the atmosphere was 
shattered by a terrific explosion and a bomb shot 
high into the air, where it burst, hurling myriads of 
sparks into a shower of golden rain. As the mass 
of fire floated away MacDonald noticed that each 
star was a whirling, tumbling, orange-hued sinner. 

“That one was filled with Christian Scientists,” 
remarked Lucifer, casually. “Quite a recent dis¬ 
covery; they give off the rosiest of tints.” 

“Ah-a-a!” came an expression of approval as 
another bomb hurled out a hail of red, purple, and 
blue. 

“A mixture of Methodists, Episcopalians, and 
Presbyterians.” 

“Is not that set piece an appropriate tribute, Mr. 
MacDonald?” queried Madame, pointing to the side 
of a cliff. Standing out in clear, bold letters sur¬ 
rounded with a neat frame, were the words: 


Hail to The Chief! 


Letters and border were built up of a varied 
assortment of the damned but so much skill had been 
shown in the blending that none of the colors jarred. 
Set pieces, bombs, go-devils chasing sinners, rockets 



EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


27 


loaded with kings that Hell abhorred, and Roman 
candles containing as many as eight thousand coal 
dealers kept the air filled with kaleidoscopic colors 
for hours. Finally the crowds began to thin out. 

“One trait in The Chief overbalances all his 
faults,” said Madame as she prepared to depart. 
“He does not mar his entertainments by economy. 
At least half a million sinners must have contributed 
to our pleasure to-night.” 

“We can spare them,” replied Lucifer quietly. 
They made their way to the dais of the ruler. 

“You will undoubtedly want to inspect my domin¬ 
ion during the coming few days,” suggested The 
Chief as he parted from MacDonald. “Instructions 
have been given the stablemen to supply you with 
proper equipment. Should you desire a mount I 
would recommend a gargoyle. I have taken care in 
breeding good stock; there is nothing fleeter or 
easier under the saddle. Good night and pleasant 
dreams.” 

In his apartments the Efficiency Engineer, for the 
first time, took notice of his soiled and ash-covered 
attire. 

“It was odd that no person paid any attention to 
it. Now that I recall, Lucifer didn’t wear much 
clothing, and the same with lots more. On the con¬ 
trary, others of the visitors to-night were togged out 
in gorgeous raiment. It must be that the only thing 
that counts for a whoop in Hades is personality. 
That suits me. If any person here has a better 


28 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


proposition I’ll step aside, but on the surface it 
would appear that I have made a dent. There is an 
opening for a first class general manager and I can 
name the man who will fill it. How little did my old 
professor at Edinburgh realize that his prediction 
would come true when he told me that I would find 
my proper sphere in Hell because I was worthless 
anywhere else.” 

James P. MacDonald threw himself on a couch 
of mineral wool and dreamed. 

Awakened by the bright, strong rays of Hell-fire 
shining into the apartment, he arose early and 
sauntered to the stables. 

“Good morning, my son,” he called genially to a 
ruddy-cheeked little imp who was rubbing down a 
thoroughbred dragon. “I should appreciate your 
kindness if you would bring me a mount—just a little 
spin before breakfast you know.” 

The imp touched his cap with two fingers of his 
right hand and was gone. He came back leading a 
Hell-horse. 

“The Chief urged me to try a gargoyle,” expostu¬ 
lated MacDonald. 

“I shouldn’t if I were you, sir. They are hard to 
control. For a beginner a Hell-horse is much safer.” 

“Very well. I want to return in two hours; how 
far can this beast carry me?” 

“If you jog along, sir, I should say that he can 
cover three hundred miles, but if you give him his 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 29 

head I am sure he can travel five hundred and fifty. 
It might lather him a bit, sir.” 

Swinging into the saddle the engineer dug his 
heels into the steed and was off. As the animal rose 
higher and higher the rider turned in the direction 
of a pinnacle-like formation to the south. Every¬ 
where beneath him were mountains and valleys and 
plateaus teeming with activity, roaring furnaces, 
lakes of brimstone, cauldrons of pitch. Geysers 
spouting millions of tons of boiling water hurled tens 
of thousands of evil-doers high in the air. One im¬ 
pressive discovery was made by MacDonald. Every 
device utilized in inflicting punishment was either 
framed by nature or was of the simplest mechanical 
design. 

There was not a single piece of modern machinery 
in sight. 

“What an opportunity,” he repeated to himself. 
“What a chance for the installation of new equip¬ 
ment.” 

He was now but a short distance from the peaks 
of the mountains. He had been traveling over a 
series of quite unappealing buttes, but now he came 
to something different—much like an oasis in a 
desert. Descending, he landed in a pretty spot, 
with trees, grass, brooks, and containing a happy, 
contented people. The air was fragrant with blos¬ 
soms; birds sang among the foliage. 

“What sort of a place is this?” he asked an old 
gentleman. 


30 EFFICIENCY IN HADES 

“Why, the Liberal Hell. It is very small but 
there are not many of us,” was the reply. “Our 
idea of hell may be peculiar but it suits us. We had 
no thought that we were so outnumbered until we 
got here. Folks generally consider us mad and poke 
fun at us. They get enjoyment out of their hells 
and all we ask is that we be permitted to enjoy ours. 
Real cozy little place, don’t you think?” 

Astonished, MacDonald made no answer. 

“What are you thinking about?” suggested the 
old gentleman. “Is there anything wrong with our 
little hell?” 

“No, I was just reflecting that I could do nothing 
to help you. I am an expert on efficiency, but so far 
as I can judge you require nothing. By the way, 
what becomes of those persons who do not believe in 
any kind of hell ?” 

“I don’t know for certain but I’ve heard that if 
they fail to find permanent quarters elsewhere they 
go batting around in space—unaffiliated souls, as it 
were. Just imagine what they are missing. No 
matter how poor and ornery it is, every person 
should have some sort of a hell to tie up to if the 
worst comes to the worst.” 

MacDonald cantered around the oasis for a few 
minutes. He noticed that the houses were all 
bright and cheerful, the streets were paved, the 
water supply ample and the cafes neat and orderly. 
“I can be of no use here,” he said as he departed. 


CHAPTER IV 


A PAGE handed MacDonald a square sheet 
of bronze upon his arrival at his apartments 
that evening with the remark: 

“Both The Chief and The Lady will regard your 
presence as a personal courtesy and they request me 
to remind you that this is the day.” 

Turning the bit of metal in his hands the engi¬ 
neer read: 

MR. JAMES P. MACDONALD IS REQUESTED 
TO MEET OUR FIRST SINNER 
ADAM 

ON HIS 5917TH BIRTHDAY 
AT THE TURRETS, MARCH 25, 8 P.M. 

“Say that I will be present,” he told the waiting 
messenger. It was already late in the day and 
little time was left for a hot bath and change of 
attire. He hurried to the reception hall, meeting the 
courteous butler. 

“Tell me something about this affair,” he urged. 
“Am I to understand that this is a small event for 
my benefit, or is it more elaborate?” 

“A public gathering, sir; a pretty little custom 

designed to furnish our best people with an oppor- 

31 


32 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


tunity to meet one of their worthy ancestors. It is 
an annual function and I can assure you that Mr. 
Adam enjoys it hugely. I hope I am not forward, 
sir, but you must not be surprised at the youthful 
appearance of Mr. Adam. He may be very old but 
he does not act it.” 

Here was a new angle of Hades. MacDonald 
could appreciate the propriety of the event but he 
had not expected so much consideration would be 
shown any resident. He chatted a few moments 
with The Chief, being curious to acquire more in¬ 
formation about the occasion. 

“Have you always observed the natal day of the 
first man?” 

“No, it is quite a recent festivity, a matter of a 
few centuries, I should say. For quite a spell Adam 
was quite overlooked socially, but when we learned 
that St. Jerome had definitely announced that Adam 
was born on March 25, 4004 B.C., we brought it to 
the attention of a number of his descendants and it 
resulted in a surprise party, managed of course by 
The Lady. The affair was so delightful that it was 
made an annual observance. No person was more 
pleased to have his birthday remembered than 
Adam; you see, like many old persons, he had quite 
forgotten the date of his birth.” 

“Are you certain it is correct?” 

“That has nothing to do with it, Mr. MacDonald; 
when we set out to have a little fun in Hell any day 
is quite as convenient as another. But now to pre- 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 33 

sent you; it is always a happy time when one meets 
his relatives, and he is a spry chap.” 

Adam was young looking; more a vigorous man 
of sixty than a patriarch. Somehow he impressed 
MacDonald as a retired military officer in his neat 
suit of white linen. Across the front of the jacket 
swept the glistening, snowy beard of the progenitor 
of the human race. Whiskers of delicacy and dis¬ 
tinction—every thread polished and sweeping away 
in beautiful curves. There was a restful look to the 
beard of Adam. The beard of the Scientist is a 
tangle caused in moments of reflection when the 
fingers clutch a clump of hair and roll it into little 
balls. Only contentment and love of his fellowman 
could produce such a beard as that which added dig¬ 
nity to Adam. 

“For the first time,” thought MacDonald, “I can 
appreciate the sacredness of the Moslem oath, ‘By 
the Beard of the Prophet.’ ” He clasped Adam’s 
hand warmly and felt a hearty, sincere pressure in 
return. 

An odd boutonniere diverted his attention. Pinned 
rakishly on the lapel was a single green leaf. 

“Certainly you recognize it,” suggested Adam, 
smiling whimsically. 

“No, I can’t say that I do.” 

“Merely a fig leaf, a slight reminiscence. If it 
were not for climatic conditions I would recommend 
that my descendants on earth discard present hideous 
fashions and go back to the simple wearing apparel 


34 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


of Eden. I often wear pajamas because they are 
not far removed from my early views on dress and 
because they are distinctive.” 

All the while he was intently studying MacDon¬ 
ald, not inquisitively or patronizingly, but as the 
scientific breeder gathers by observation the good 
and bad points of a colt. 

“I think Mr. MacDonald takes after you,” ob¬ 
served The Chief pleasantly. “There are some 
family traits I can see in both of you; something 
about the nose, I think.” 

“Which branch do you come from, my son?” 
asked Adam. 

“All my people were Scotch.” 

“Good stock and I am proud of it, although my 
favorites in the Gaelic connection were the Welsh. 
But all of you are worthy sons of a worthy sire. 
Blood will tell, my boy; blood will tell. When I 
think of some of the notable things our family has 
accomplished I feel a pardonable pride and do not 
consider myself wholly a failure. The mistakes I 
made were natural ones and likely to come to any 
person lacking in experience and without training. 
You can understand that having had no family his¬ 
tory I was handicapped; being thrown into a new 
world on my own resources was not a pleasant situa¬ 
tion. I could not benefit by tradition because there 
were no precedents; I was quite alone and had no 
person to consult with. Do not consider me un¬ 
gallant, but perhaps you have learned what I found 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 35 

out too late, that a woman’s advice sometimes is 
dangerous. 

“I have been upbraided by some of my descen¬ 
dants for causing most of the trouble common to 
Man; work being the paramount. Please under¬ 
stand that I never did like apples. You could keep 
ten bushels in my cellar all winter and I would not 
touch one, but what man has there been since my 
time who could resist the appeals of a woman? Not 
one. Even with myself as an example men are mak¬ 
ing the same mistakes as I did, and I was new to 
the sex. Do I blame her? No. She was a woman. 
That explains all.” 

“But don’t you have regrets?” 

“I know what you are driving at. You want to 
be pleasant about blaming me for setting a bad 
example and I’ve just told you that I never had a 
chance in the world. No wonder I turned out bad; 
no wonder one of my boys was a black sheep; no 
wonder almost all of your progenitors wound up 
here. I guess we are a bad lot, but it is something 
consoling to know that the biggest crowd is with 
me. The most of my children get here because they 
have convictions. If there is any one of the family 
I feel proud of it is a Frankish king you will find 
over in the Early Christian Hell; a prince of consid¬ 
erable ability and exceptional loyalty. He had con¬ 
victions. He deserves a larger place in history. You 
will recall how he was a heathen; which after all 
means nothing, since I am something of a heathen 


36 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


myself. The Church heard of him and sent a bishop 
to pull off an omnibus conversion, a little joker they 
used in those times to bring everybody into the fold. 
The bishop was a demonstrator whose work was 
finished when he convinced a heathen king that his 
particular brand of religion was the best in the 
market. Your king announced that on a given date 
he and his court would be baptized, after which there 
would be a state religion and all subjects who had 
any regard whatever for their necks would forth¬ 
with adopt the same, destroying such other idols, 
faiths, creeds and beliefs as happened to be in their 
possession. It was a happy way to escape Hell; 
that is, on paper. 

“Well, it so happened that this Frankish king 
agreed to give the new religion a trial and went down 
to the water with his retinue. Just before the exer¬ 
cises he acquired an idea. Calling the demonstrator 
aside, he said: 

“ ‘You tell me that unless I join your crowd I am 
surely going to roast. Now will you be so kind as 
to inform me where my ancestors are?’ 

“The bishop never batted an eyelash, dear 
nephew, but instantly replied, ‘Why, having been 
born heathens and having lived as heathens, they 
died as heathens and naturally they are all in Per¬ 
dition.’ As I heard it later from the king himself, 
he was quite disappointed, but he had to admit that 
the bishop was logical and there was only one thing 
to do. 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


37 


“ ‘I’m sorry to disappoint you,’ said he, ‘and I 
deeply regret declaring the deal off, but under the 
circumstances I think I’ll take my chances with my 
relatives; I’ll not be so lonesome.’ ” 

“What does that prove?” 

“First, that you can send any person to HelL 
Second, that you can’t scare folks away from 
Hell.” 

“Perhaps this particular king would have gone to 
Hell anyway. But why do you say that any person 
can send another here?” 

“It might be that the old fellow would have 
wound up here; I can’t say. I do think that had he 
been converted, the Church would have tried hard 
to save him. The only people who could have made 
any real fight would have been the widows and the 
children of the thousands he caused to be butchered; 
they would have done their best to inflict a little 
punishment for the crime of forcing his subjects 
into wars to settle private quarrels, extend his do¬ 
minions or prove that he was a more civilized king 
than his neighboring rulers. I have seen a great 
deal, dear cousin, and when I say that kings are not 
fit to rule I merely make a declaration of opinion 
without ill-will. I have lots of descendants who 
were kings and ninety-nine per cent are not wanted 
even in this place. 

“As individuals I like them all and as relatives I 
love them but taking them as a group they are a 
bad lot. It’s in the way they were brought up. No 


38 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


king has regard for the life, happiness or welfare of 
his subjects; he looks upon them merely as instru¬ 
ments for the execution of his plans and if it becomes 
necessary to force a million strong, intelligent, happy 
victims upon the battlefield; to destroy them by war 
club or lance, or bullet or disease, he does it with a 
prayer on his lips, conviction in his heart and bile 
on his liver.” 

MacDonald wanted to ask a question but Adam 
refused to be interrupted and went ahead: 

“There is a fascination in bossing somebody, and 
the more subjects a ruler can accumulate the more 
he likes his job. It gets to be a disease; so much so 
that when thrown out of a job he sets up a howl and 
cries ‘Fraud.’ I don’t believe that any king ought 
to hold his job more than five years. He ought to 
be elected by the people and he should be forced to 
attend a training school for five years before taking 
office. When his term expires he ought to become a 
member of a Senate of ex-Kings, a sort of advisory 
board.” 

“Honestly, Adam, do you think people can rule 
themselves ?” 

“Yes, if they have three things: a public school 
system, concentrated financial interests, and solidi¬ 
fied labor organizations.” 

“Do you think Capital and Labor can get along 
without quarreling?” 

“No, and therein is strength. Money never has 
obliterated the guild and agitation never will be 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 39 

able to destroy wealth. The balance between them 
is Education.” 

“Where does Religion come in?” 

“It will continue imperishable but trailing along 
in the pathway blazed by Thought. Its saddest 
object up to the present time has been to increase the 
population of Hell. Each variety of faith rests upon 
the foundation that it only is right and all others 
are doubtful or downright bad. Each religion and 
each sect can prove that it offers more opportunity 
to escape Perdition than the others. Each church 
creates a distinctive hell into which it consigns very 
few of its own members but hosts of others.” 

“Still you must admit—” 

“I admit and apologize for nothing,” retorted 
Adam. “Let me have my say.” 

MacDonald restrained a bitter answer and the 
old gentleman rolled ahead: £ * 

“The joke of it is that when they get here they 
find themselves in the very Hell they created for 
the rest. That’s what makes Hell the inferno it is. 
But, confidentially, my good and great grandchild, 
I can tell you a little secret. The time is coming 
when The Chief will be out of a job— there 
won’t be any hell. Advancement will assure 
Religion that a whole lot of useless energy has been 
spent on a place that does so little good that 
it can be dispensed with. We punish people for 
doing wrong. When we change the whole system 
and reward people for doing good then we will 


40 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


have no use for jails and hells. Some of the very 
latest hells down here are purely ethical and I can 
see the tendency better than The Chief, who is on 
the administrative side. I am an observer; a candid 
and unbiased victim of circumstances interested 
solely in the advancement of a race which started 
with me. I feel the same parental interest in the 
Inca that I do in the Dane. I know that the uni¬ 
verse goes forward; never recedes. I know that 
there are laws that nothing can alter and nothing 
can stop. 

“The Garden of Eden was all right but I can’t 
say that I am sorry for being evicted. Forget the 
beauties of the place, my gentle kinsman, and con¬ 
sider it from your own base. You are an engineer; a 
man who loves the task of developing. When you 
see men busy in factories, building railroads, or 
mixing concrete you know that they are creating a 
better world. The Garden of Eden was a joke com¬ 
pared with the land of to-day. I am the original 
sinner; damned and rejected because I was curious, 
and the punishment that was inflicted upon me and 
upon all my generations was work. Did it ever 
occur to you, my young son, that while it was a de¬ 
lightful spot, the Garden was the absurdest thing 
ever devised, for it stood for nothing. There were 
palms, and ferns and velvety grass, and streams that 
sang in the sunlight. Never a worry about food or 
clothing. As I look back upon those days I see only 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


41 


a vast zoo set down in the midst of an entrancing 
botanical garden, with Eve and me lolling around in 
idleness. No aim, no mission, no occupation—only 
a pair of naked savages whose recreation might be 
admiring flowers or training pet tigers to jump 
through hoop-snakes.” 

There was a ripple of laughter and for the first 
time MacDonald noticed the large number of devils 
grouped around Adam. They were listening too. 

“You have been taught to believe that this was 
the proper life for normal and healthy human be¬ 
ings; you have been taught to feel that we should 
have been content in the midst of all this beauty; 
you have been taught to abuse woman because she 
had the gumption to hector me until I too became 
restless; you have been taught to regard me as a 
criminal responsible for all the evil the world has 
known. 

“Listen. The happiest day I ever knew was when 
I went out of the Garden of Eden, fashioned a 
grubbing hoe from a piece of hard wood and set to 
work to clear away the underbrush so that I might 
build a hut and raise a few early vegetables. And 
the greatest joy that Eve felt was the pain of mother 
love. Listen again. If it be a sin to disobey a law 
that condemns man to perpetual idleness; if toil and 
the rearing of children are regarded as punishment; 
if your throbbing progressive world given over to 
industry, education and science is considered a less 


42 EFFICIENCY IN HADES 

desirable place than a conservatory, then I am will¬ 
ing to confess error. But I find more happiness in 
Hell than I ever did in the Garden of Eden.” 

“Then this resort doesn’t tire you?” 

“Bless your heart, no. I get around considerable 
and talk with the boys. They all tell me their 
troubles. Then, too, I have a serious occupation. 
I’m compiling a family tree. Genealogy has a fasci¬ 
nation for me; a real hobby. If you ever want to 
trace back your kinship record, come around and 
I’ll show you some interesting charts.” 

“Eve must be of great assistance to you in this 
stupendous task; I have not had the pleasure of 
meeting her; is she here?” 

“She does not take much interest in it; in fact, I 
do not see a great deal of her.” 

Adam seemed to hesitate when Eve was alluded 
to and MacDonald did not press him. He hurried 
away in answer to a beckon from The Lady, mur¬ 
muring to himself, “Family troubles perhaps.” 

The engineer sought several times during the 
evening to get into further conversation with the 
head of the family but it seemed almost impossible, 
the old fellow finding a whole lot more fun jesting 
with the girls. Popular? There is little in the word 
to indicate the esteem in which the young women 
held Adam. It was more than respect, it was more 
than trustfulness, it was more than friendship, and 
it was a great sight more than family reverence. 
The female population of Hades simply agreed that 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


43 


Adam was simpatico, a Spanish word which conveys 
more meaning than anything of its kind in the Eng¬ 
lish language. 

“I wonder what Eve thinks of that gay old 
rogue?” MacDonald asked The Lady as Adam cut 
across the reception hall with each arm around the 
waist of a pair of laughing, snappy maidens. 

“You can answer that for yourself when you be¬ 
come better acquainted with her,” was the reply. 


CHAPTER V 


M ACDONALD was in the saddle much of the 
time during the succeeding week, seeing 
very little of his hosts. Through the kind¬ 
ness of The Chief he accumulated a large force of 
trained secretaries; these aided him in his prelimi¬ 
nary task of preparing an industrial and sociological 
survey. Very quietly he had measured up the abili¬ 
ties of all the Arch-Devils. To his amazement he 
discovered that many of the most famed were totally 
inefficient. Several had built up reputations on the 
ancient trick of sending out agents to take posses¬ 
sion of human beings and they got away with it until 
medical men decided that epileptic fits would answer 
the purpose quite as well. Thousands upon thou¬ 
sands of imps were let out of their jobs but the 
bosses clung to their reputations and strutted around 
Hell as if they owned it. 

“They may fool The Chief,” commented Mac¬ 
Donald contemptuously, “but nobody can fourflush 
under the efficiency system. They’ve got to size up 
to the job or quit.” 

When he felt that sufficient data had been com¬ 
piled, the Efficiency Engineer asked for a Grand 
Council to be held on the following Tuesday morn¬ 
ing in the Convention Hall and that all officials 

44 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


45 


above the rank of Prince of Evil be instructed to 
attend. There had been many rumors in circulation 
concerning the activities of MacDonald but beyond 
the retainers of The Turrets and Lucifer, his plans 
were unknown. That a Grand Council should be 
called was, in itself, of sufficient importance to raise 
all to expectancy. To prevent outsiders from enter¬ 
ing the hall, the guards were doubled and credentials 
issued to the delegates. 

Galleries were reserved for the ladies while the 
delegates occupied sandstone benches in the body of 
the Hall, each group being marked by standards. 

A few Arch-Devils who lost their badges were de¬ 
tained until vouched for by the Sergeant-at-Arms, 
but all were in their places when The Chief arrived. 
He smiled slightly when a roar of cheers went up; 
then he took a seat by the side of Lucifer. Mac¬ 
Donald was given a place on a block of trap rock to 
the left of the speaker’s table. No time was lost by 
The Chief. Stepping forward quickly and holding 
up his hand for silence, he announced: 

“My friends, it may surprise you to learn that the 
Hell of which we are so proud and which we believe 
to be the best in existence, is, as a matter of fact, 
both inefficient and unreliable. I was incredulous 
myself when I first heard this assertion, but I am 
broad enough to see faults and admit mistakes. As 
it goes, we have a satisfactory Hell. Can it be im¬ 
proved? Unless we advance, we fall behind. There 
is no such thing as standing still. We live in a mod- 


46 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


ern age. Civilization spreads rapidly. We cannot 
hope to meet modern conditions with ancient and 
obsolete methods. We have with us this morning 
one whose days were spent in applying science to 
administration. He has made a study of our opera¬ 
tion here. He has kindly volunteered to reorganize 
us, modernize us, and in a word, raise Hell to a 
higher standard. He has my warm sympathy and 
full confidence. I have given him broad powers and 
in the fulfilment of his work I shall expect your 
hearty support. I have the honor of presenting 
Mr. James P. MacDonald, your new General 
Manager.” 

It was delicately done; not a fulsome and hollow 
endorsement but a plain statement of fact and an 
order issued. It was now up to the emissary of 
science. There were excited whispers and negative 
gestures as he strode forward. He made obeisance 
to The Chief, turned and faced that throbbing sea 
of devils. 

MacDonald could feel the undercurrent of antago¬ 
nism. There would be no open opposition to the 
will of The Chief but unless it were possible to gain 
the whole-souled and hearty cooperation of each and 
every constituent his efforts would count for naught 
and finally he would be discredited. Here above 
every other place he must succeed. He would beat 
back the resentment against newfangled notions by 
sheer force. 

“Sire, ladies and gentlemen—friends all,” he be- 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


47 


gan. “I am a stranger in a strange land. Did I not 
believe in you I would not be here. That I should 
attempt an uplift movement is proof of my earnest 
faith in you. I do not pretend to say that I can 
perform miracles”— 

“Sacrilege!” howled Beelzebub, leaping upon a 
bench and shaking his first at the speaker. “Rank 
sacrilege that should not be tolerated for a second. 
I appeal to this convention.” 

A roar of approval came from the delegates while 
a fiend from the Chaldean Hell shouted, “Down 
with the egotist. He used the personal pronoun ‘I’ 
six times in four sentences.” 

“Throw him out,” “Sit down,” “Hell’s too good 
for him,” “Down with the uplift,” came yells of 
rage. One enthusiast from the Chinese Hell hurled 
a decayed sinner at the speaker. 

Lucifer dashed to the front of the platform. 

“The convention will be in order,” he com¬ 
manded. “The delegates will be seated.” As the 
excitement subsided he gazed contemptuously over 
the hall. 

“No violence or insults will be tolerated here. A 
nice crowd to represent your constituents. Mr. Mac¬ 
Donald is going to get a hearing. The Sergeant-at- 
Arms will clear the aisles.” 

“Gentlemen, gentlemen, remember where you 
are,” called Adam in a clear strong voice from the 
gallery. “Do you intend to set a bad example to 
the damned?” he rebuked them as he advanced to 


48 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


the edge of the railing and looked down on the mob. 
There were some derisive shouts which quickly ended 
when a delegate shouted: 

“Respect his gray hairs.” 

“I ask no consideration either on account of age 
or association. I am not here to defend or con¬ 
demn this recent addition to Hades. He thinks he 
comes with a message. He has succeeded in inter¬ 
esting your chief to the degree that this convention 
is now assembled to hear and consider that mission. 
Wait. How many of you devils have heard or know 
anything about efficiency? Not one. For all you 
know it may be a game of cards or a recipe for a 
kidney plaster, or possibly a bunion. You are foolish 
and cannot see that the merits or demerits of effi¬ 
ciency have nothing to do with the right of Mac¬ 
Donald to have his say. The Chief has asked him 
to address you. If you have any respect for au¬ 
thority; any respect for your superior; any respect 
for yourselves, you will take your seats.” 

“We don’t want to have anything to do with your 
family,” screeched a blue-faced devil. “It is ever¬ 
lastingly getting up some new fads; never satisfied 
to let well enough alone. Why can’t this descen¬ 
dant of yours show true cooperation by taking his 
medicine like a man instead of trying to run Hades?” 

“Hear! Hear!” cried Beelzebub. 

Amid the stamping of hoofs and the pounding of 
standards on the floor, the wild yells of disapproval 
and catcalls and owl hoots, The Chief leaned back 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


49 


in his chair complacently smiling with the air of one 
who was not the least disturbed as to a happy out¬ 
come. Adam waited a moment or two, then finding 
an opening hurled back: 

“Hell was built by material supplied by my family. 
Without us you would be more insignificant than 
insects. You spoil good material by bad treatment 
and when an opportunity is presented you to learn, 
you display your assininity and ignorance by howling 
that Hades cannot be improved.” 

“Sacrilege and impiety!” shrieked Beelzebub. 
“We won’t submit—” 

“Remove that fellow,” called Lucifer to the 
guards who, seizing the disturber, dragged him 
foaming to an anteroom. “Now at the next appear¬ 
ance of trouble,” he warned, “I’ll clear the Hall. 
One would think this a political meeting.” 

“Isn’t he just a dear!” cried Madame of the 
pompadour as she led the applause from the gal¬ 
leries. 


CHAPTER VI 


T HE Efficiency Engineer thanked Lucifer and 
again faced his audience. Over in the 
Royal Box there was a look of faith mingled 
with anxiety on the face of The Lady. “It’s now 
or never,” thought MacDonald, catching inspira¬ 
tion from this source. 

“I thank you for your hearty endorsement of my 
claims,” he resumed ironically. “If anything were 
needed to demonstrate my premises it was your out¬ 
break. Not in a spirit of anger but in cold logic I 
ask each and every one of you how you can hope to 
govern others and rule your several departments 
successfully if you fail to control yourselves. Hell 
is not a playground or a football field but a serious 
place for serious men. Your whole object is, or 
should be, to get the best results possible with the 
least amount of energy. If, by the use of proper 
machinery you can roast a thousand subjects where 
you are now treating a hundred—and some of them 
underdone at that—have you not accomplished 
something?” 

“He’s right, there,” whispered a delegate to an 
associate. 

“And how much time can be saved in the deep 
infernos by the installation of elevators. My 

friends, I would not for a moment deprive you of 

50 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


51 


any of the good things which are yours. I would 
foster them and encourage them. You need newer 
appliances. You require more conveniences. You 
should be furnished with labor-saving devices. Many 
of you are compelled to toil amid poisonous sulphur 
fumes; not one of you is equipped with a gas mask. 
You are satisfied because you do not know better; 
you decry the modernizing of the place because you 
like to travel in the same rut you have always 
traveled.” 

There was a little cry of approval from The 
Lady which reflected itself in nods from the dele¬ 
gates. 

“The Chief has seconded my views. Is he less 
loyal to Hell than you? He believes there should 
be an awakening. Is he a reactionary? I warn you, 
my friends, that unless you are willing to grasp 
modern ideas you will become second-raters. Will 
you hear my plans?” 

“Yes, go on,” came a chorus of voices. 

“Very good. In the first place bring yourselves 
to believe that efficiency depends upon cooperation 
and intelligent administration. Which is to say, loy¬ 
alty and organization. Individual effort must give 
way to coordination. We must have team work. 
Each hell should know what the other is doing. 
Arch-Devils should frequently confer with one 
another. By the installation of a system of report 
sheets each head of department can compare his 
results with the work done by others. 


52 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


“Every proper-spirited devil should take orders 
without question. Some resentment will possibly 
arise in the selection of division and department 
heads, but it should be remembered that merit only 
has been considered in the filling of positions. The 
Chief has not recommended a single one of his per¬ 
sonal friends for place.” 

At this the delegates squirmed uneasily. 

“I am not unreasonable enough to expect quick 
returns. Mistakes will be made and for a time 
there will be considerable friction and many petty 
annoyances. These will disappear. Perhaps the 
greatest source of trouble will come with the instal¬ 
lation of new machinery. In order to reduce confu¬ 
sion to a minimum we will refit one unit at a time. 
Discarded apparatus will be carefully stored to be 
sold as scrap.” 

“Who will be able to use it?” yelled Beelze¬ 
bub. 

“Shut up,” growled a cerise devil, “what do you 
know about efficiency?” 

“I will now proceed to outline the general scheme 
of control,” MacDonald hurried on. “Will several 
of you imps kindly bring in the chart?” An easel 
on which was a large sheet of black metal bearing a 
diagram was placed in full view of the delegates. 
Everybody strained forward to get a better look 
and a venerable she-devil tumbled out of the gallery, 
fortunately without injury. Using a pointer, Mac¬ 
Donald explained the following: 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


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54 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


“Why, he has put himself above Lucifer,” was 
the startled exclamation of Madame. “How can it 
be possible?” 

“See the gratified expression on the face of The 
Lady,” replied a dudish young devil by her side. 
“That explains it.” 

Madame wrinkled her brows. “It puts me down 
one notch,” she thought, “unless—well, we cannot 
afford to be too particular about our fallen friends,” 
and with a smile she resumed her conversation on 
the hot Spring they were having. 

But it was evident that the suspicion that flitted 
through Madame’s mind was not isolated because 
hundreds of the delegates whispered to each other 
and looked anxiously toward Lucifer. He sat there 
impassively while the Efficiency Engineer entered 
into a detailed explanation of the operation of the 
different departments. 

“You will notice,” he said toward the close of the 
talk, “that I have placed ‘Corrections’ under the 
head of Public Welfare. This applies solely to the 
bookkeeping side. There is a strong corelationship 
here with the operation section. In fact the Vital 
Statistics section also has a bearing on the same 
things. 

“Naturally the part played by the sales section 
will be important.” He stopped there, for Beelze¬ 
bub, who had returned through a side door, broke 
into a jeering laugh and inquired: 

“Will you kindly tell us what products we can 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


55 


market? I have always regarded this place as a con¬ 
suming operation. Is our material worth a dollar 
in any man’s money after we get through with it?” 

“He is right,” exclaimed The Chief, and he called 
across to MacDonald, “Put in something else.” 

“I find that the point raised by my friend Beelze¬ 
bub is well taken,” admitted the expert. “Since a 
sales section would be useless, we will substitute 
for it a laboratory. Here we can conduct experi¬ 
ments which will prove of undoubted value in the 
operation of mills, foundries and forges.” 

The change hit the fancy of all the devils. One 
of the admitted defects of the place was the scant 
attention which had been given to research work and 
everybody thought the suggestion of the laboratory 
most commendable. Although he was only indi¬ 
rectly responsible, Beelzebub deprecatingly took all 
credit. 

“That young fellow may be all right if properly 
guided,” said he confidentially to several nearby dele¬ 
gates. 

Some of the devils who had promised to be home 
early were moving toward the door when Mac¬ 
Donald took his seat in a shower of applause. Luci¬ 
fer raised his hand. 

“Just one moment, friends,” he explained. “It 
may appear strange to some of my acquaintances 
that I have, without protest, allowed myself to 
occupy a secondary place in this organization and 
consented to serve under Mr. MacDonald. Frankly, 


56 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


I know nothing about efficiency along scientific lines. 
I am willing to learn. If he can get better results 
than I have obtained he will have my sincere coopera¬ 
tion. All for Hell and Hell for all.” 

“Just like a big generous boy; but he has made a 
mistake,” reflected Madame as she listened to the 
cheers for Hades Triumphant, applause for Lucifer 
and roars of The Chief. “What an interesting man 
this fellow MacDonald must be. A few days ago an 
outcast. To-day, confidential advisor to The Chief. 
An idea, nerve, plausible tongue, a woman’s favor 
and the answer is Success. Bah, Hell is no better 
than the court of France. The same intrigues and 
the same struggles for favor.” 

The Chief lingered for a few minutes chatting 
with his new General Manager and a dozen or so 
department heads. He met The Lady in the corri¬ 
dor and escorted her to the street. As he assisted 
her into the chariot he said tenderly: 

“I am following your judgment in this instance, 
my girl. Let us hope it means a new era for our 
subjects.” 

“Assuredly it will. Trust in the ability of Mr. 
MacDonald.” 


CHAPTER VII 


T HOSE who expected quick upheavals and 
speedy radical changes in Hades were dis¬ 
appointed. 

“I can afford to take my time; there is no hurry,” 
was the view of the engineer. 

Weeks were spent in picking skilled devils for 
executive positions. A School of Instruction was 
established where lectures were given on theory and 
practice of Efficiency. The course was thorough to 
a degree. A large printing office was set up for the 
publication of office forms, sheets and tables. These 
were distributed by the billions. As he came to 
grasp the magnitude of the new system even Lucifer 
was staggered. He had counted on employing an 
office force of not more than twenty-five thousand. 
In less than two months he was bossing that many 
stenographers alone, and they were complaining of 
being overworked. Philocrens sent in a requisition 
for seventeen million filing cases in one order while 
Vulcan’s estimate for the power plant of the tiny Az¬ 
tec hell called for eight hundred and twenty-two 
thousand reciprocating engines of fifteen thousand 
horse power each. Nothing was left to chance. Each 
detail was worked out with such precision that the 

new system was absorbed almost automatically, 

57 


58 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


which, as Lucifer put it, “is saying a great deal for 
the intelligence of Hell and the ability of MacDon¬ 
ald.” 

There were skeptics; there always are skeptics 
when a new or an untried thing is brought out. It 
was noticeable, nevertheless, that street and club 
gossip deal with K.W. hours, depreciation charges, 
thrust bearings, heat units, compensating valves, 
peak load and like subjects instead of the more com¬ 
monplace comment on parboiled wretches. 

“I look for great development under Mac¬ 
Donald’s management,” The Chief confided to The 
Lady a few weeks later. “It’s expensive though. 
He has promised power boats to Charon. Nobody 
complained in the old days about waiting to be fer¬ 
ried across the Styx. I’ve seen lost souls lined up 
by the millions waiting their turn. Since they’ve 
heard of our progressiveness they are rioting to 
climb on board. Motor boats are being turned out 
as fast as the shipyards can assemble them.” 

“They say Charon has new uniforms for his 
men?” 

“Yes, but not garish. Light blue cloth with gold 
braid. I saw one understrapper parading the streets 
with a cap inscribed ‘First Assistant to the Second 
Assistant General Passenger Agent.’ The full title 
was too long for the band and what couldn’t go 
around strung out behind like a pennant.” 

It was feverish curiosity that drew The Lady to 
the offices of the General Manager of an afternoon. 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


59 


A messenger detained her in the anteroom while her 
card was sent in. The rattle of typewriters was 
deafening. Scores of technical devils spurted in and 
out with rolls of blue prints. There was one hall 
jammed with earnest men. It was labeled “Waiting 
Room for Inventors.” The Lady was becoming 
absorbed in a discussion between two learned doctors 
on the adoption of green as the uniform color for 
hell-fire because it was the natural tint for the eyes, 
when MacDonald hastened up and invited her to 
enter his private office. 

“You see I have finished my day’s work.” He 
spoke with a tired laugh and pointed to a flat-top 
desk. “It is one of the first principles of efficiency 
that no uncompleted task shall be allowed to hang 
over. I clean my desk before I quit. But I am 
glad you came, you can help me.” 

“How?” she inquired. 

“You know, I want to remodel the Infinite Worm 
into a Bessemer steel converter. All improvements 
over in the Christian hells are held up pending this. 
I have induced the Boss Mason to forgive and forget 
but I can’t budge the Infinite Worm. It simply 
won’t listen to any arguments; refuses to co-operate. 
The blamed thing has no pride. When I tried to 
stir up its enthusiasm by picturing the importance 
of a converter, the snake said it didn’t hanker after 
notoriety like some persons—the insulting reptile.” 

“If you think I can do any good, I will talk to it.” 

“If I think? I know that one word from you will 


60 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


win him. He would be a willing captive like the 
rest of us,” and MacDonald kissed The Lady’s 
hand. 

“Come, my knight, we will start at once. A 
woman’s smile may win where man’s argument will 
fail.” 

“My Lady,” returned the Efficiency Engineer 
passionately. Pressing his foot on a buzzer he di¬ 
rected the responding messenger to call his private 
car. 

“The first automobile in Hades,” proudly ex¬ 
plained MacDonald when she hesitated. “I have 
been pounding it over some of the hills to discover 
any faults. The engines do not develop as much 
power as I should like but this may be due to the 
gasoline. Our supply comes from the oil retorts; a 
sort of by-product of boiled Shintoists. The boys 
have not quite caught the knack of refining oil but in 
a little time we hope to be able to produce an article 
that in quality and price will compare favorably with 
the only monopoly on earth that competes with 
Hell.” 

The Lady insisted upon seeing how the motor car 
was assembled. She wanted to know how it was 
operated. The electric starter seemed a marvel of 
ingenuity and when the lights were switched on she 
was in raptures. The anticipation of a first ride in 
the car fired her imagination and as she settled back 
in the cushions her admiration for the General Man¬ 
ager could not be restrained. 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


61 


“I think you are a wonderful man,” she exclaimed. 
“I am glad, oh, so happy that you came among us.” 
She snuggled closer to the driver. At each sharp 
curve there was a little scream of alarm and a 
tightening of her grasp on the arm of her com¬ 
panion; a gentle, warm pressure that sent an elec¬ 
tric shock through MacDonald. He reassured her 
tenderly. 

Her face was flushed with the glow of excitement. 
She laughed nervously when dragons, affrighted by 
the sight of a new monster, backed into the ditches 
by the side of the road and reared on their hind 
legs. A few hell-cats miscalculating speed were run 
down as they tried to cross in front of the high- 
powered car. “Poor things,” murmured The Lady. 
“I do not like to see dumb animals suffer.” The ma¬ 
chine hit a particularly bad spot. MacDonald’s 
arm slipped around her waist to ease the shock. She 
turned her face in innocent wonderment; sought to 
gently remove it; hesitated. The Lady’s hand 
nestled in the firm grasp of the engineer and the 
car slowed down. 

“What a short drive,” she laughed. “We are 
already at the home of that dreadful beast which 
refuses to acknowledge your ability or charm. 
Which?” 

“Both,” answered the man. 

“Hardly, I can answer for one and perhaps assure 
the Infinite Worm of the other.” 

An agonized moan rolled out of a cavern. It 


62 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


grew in intensity until it reached a shriek, then died 
away in a series of short sobs. 

“It’s the Worm, sir. This is one of its bad 
days,” volunteered an employee. “It’s suffering 
something fierce. Nothing seems to help it and 
the pains in its stomach are growing worse.” 

Of a truth the Infinite Worm was a pitiful object 
as it lay doubled up on the floor. Great tears 
trickled down its cheeks. It writhed in agony, oc¬ 
casionally giving convulsive shudders when espe¬ 
cially severe twinges of pain came on. 

“Brace up, old top,” called MacDonald, “this 
will never do. You’re losing your nerve.” 

The Infinite Worm turned its head slightly, gaz¬ 
ing mournfully at the visitors. 

“I don’t need advice; what I want is a doctor,” 
it snuffled. 

“Doctor nothing. Forget your troubles. Cheer 
up like a man. Don’t weep in the presence of 
a lady; it’s embarrassing.” 

There was a little catch in the voice of the In¬ 
finite Worm as it forced a smile. Another con¬ 
vulsion of pain brought a wild yell of distress. 
“Must I endure like a dog?” The Lady ap¬ 
proached the side of the tortured Worm and 
stroked its fevered brow. 

“What are you suffering from?” 

“Bowel trouble. Miles upon miles of it. Kick 
me on my side and see how hollow I sound.” It 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


63 


was an exertion to tell even this much and the In¬ 
finite Worm had to stop to get its breath. “I’m 
a victim of adulteration. If that Boss Mason had 
used the right kind of fire brick I’d be enjoying 
good health to-day.” 

“He’s willing to re-line you.” 

“What! Let that scullion tinker with me?” 

“Do not harbor a grudge. The Boss Mason 
inquires about you every day. He blames himself 
for your suffering and his conscience won’t let him 
sleep.” The Lady was not quite certain about the 
last point but felt that it might appeal to the 
Worm’s pride. 

“Yes, he has gone so far as to order a supply 
of imported furnace bricks and paid the tariff out 
of his own pocket. He even begged The Chief to 
etherize you so that he might fix you up without 
discomfort. ‘I should like to restore my old asso¬ 
ciate to sound health,’ he said, ‘and then slip away 
so that he might not know the name of his bene¬ 
factor.’ ” 

“Well, it’s the least he could do after putting 
me out of business. Are imported furnace brick 
good for indigestion?” 

“I never heard of them failing.” 

“Well, if that Boss Mason comes around your 
way tell him that I’ll let him put in the bricks; 
anything to stop his worrying. He is not the only 
one to blame. It’s my diet. I don’t get the right 


64 EFFICIENCY IN HADES 

sort of food. The toughest sinners are turned over 
to me and I simply can’t digest ’em. Now if I had 
apples.” 

“What you need is plenty of lime; it’s a fine 
tonic.” 

“Who will give a worm like me lime? Who 
cares whether I live or die?” and the disheartened 
reptile shook with sobs. 

“There, there,” and The Lady petted the suf¬ 
ferer, “trust in the General Manager. He has 
great plans for you; everybody will envy you. Do 
you realize that when he turns you into a Bessemer 
steel converter you will get a dose of lime with 
every charge of the damned. And iron, too. Think 
what a tonic iron is.” 

“Look here, why didn’t you tell me that my 
health would improve if I became an industrial 
plant?” demanded the Infinite Worm of Mac¬ 
Donald. “You let me suffer the tortures of the 
damned when I might have been on the high road 
to recovery. Only the practical side appealed to 
you. What I wanted was sympathy, a woman’s 
sympathy. The Lady and I understand each other. 
You tell that Boss Mason to get a hump on him¬ 
self and when I come back into form I’ll show you 
a Bessemer converter to be proud of. Imported 
furnace brick, mind you, and plenty of lime and 
iron. 


CHAPTER VIII 


“TTE deling better already,” chuckled Mac¬ 
Donald when he and his fair companion 
were back in the car. “Now for home. 
Let us return by the Valley Road. It is a trifle 
rough but extremely picturesque.” 

The Lady gave him a sweet smile. 

“I want to thank you for the winning of our 
friend back there,” he added, tucking a lap-robe 
around her while the machine was picking up. “I 
feel that all of the progress made thus far has been 
due to your faith, and I know that the future too 
is in your hands. With your inspiration I am con¬ 
fident of all things. If you but point the way I 
will achieve the heights. There, amid the eternal 
crimson I will place the standard of Hades, an 
inspiration to all who may come hereafter.” 

“How commonplace it was until you entered our 
sphere,” murmured The Lady. “How I hated the 
humdrum existence. The same talk, the same 
amusements, the same faces. I longed for some¬ 
thing new; something that would increase my use¬ 
fulness here. How small a part woman plays in 
the universe. And is it her fault that she is un¬ 
happy?” 

“Are you discontented?” 

65 



66 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


“Yes,” she answered bitterly. “Wealth, power 
and position mean nothing unless they can be em¬ 
ployed. I get less enjoyment out of my existence 
than the lowest sufferer in the lake of brimstone. 
He at least has variety.” 

MacDonald placed his arm around her warm 
supple waist and drew her close. 

“My Lady,” he whispered. 

Again the mystic smile thrilled him; once more 
he gazed into brown eyes that seemed to hold the 
secrets of the ages. 

“I shall make you happy. You will be my goal, 
my destiny. Together we shall plan and accom¬ 
plish. Hand in hand we will walk through Hades 
and where our feet shall tread there shall follow 
Progress. An industrial awakening undreamed of 
shall harmonize with the grandest intellectual at¬ 
tainment. The accumulated knowledge of the past 
shall be drawn on, molded and made useful. A 
place of punishment shall be buried and a vast 
commonwealth dominated by ability shall take its 
place.” 

Held by the spell of the enthusiast The Lady 
did not resist his tense clasp. The car hummed 
low amid the deepening gloom of a lonely road 
walled by fantastic chaos. Intoxicated, MacDonald 
felt a curl waft against his cheek; the steel-like 
muscles of his forearm seemed to imbed themselves 
in the yielding softness of her body; her head sank 
on his shoulder. In the velvety glow of the deep- 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


67 


ening red that came from the Valley he looked into 
her eyes half closed in dreamy passion and as he 
kissed her long and rapturously a wondrously 
molded arm encircled his neck. 

“My darling,” he panted. 

The car sped through the falling night. Little 
was said; their emotions were too powerful. Both 
understood. The future of each had been com¬ 
mitted irrevocably and the destiny of Inferno was 
at stake. 

It was a brighter day and a happier day than 
she had ever known when The Lady awoke. The 
fever of the previous evening was upon her and 
she sang blithely, filling The Turrets with a spirit 
of joyousness. Stopping for a moment near an 
open window it seemed as though a new vision came. 

“He needs me. An unusual man called to do 
an unheard-of thing and he needs me.” 

By contrast The Chief seemed weak. In the 
other days she heard his views with deference be¬ 
cause he dominated. Now as he discussed the 
manifold improvements under way or contemplated, 
she took small interest because she knew and under¬ 
stood that he reflected the active mind of the 
General Manager. It made her petulant. The fact 
that he generously gave MacDonald the credit 
made no difference. The Chief noticed this but 
said nothing. 

Dropping into the Administration building he 
chatted with Lucifer and the talk turned to Mac- 


68 EFFICIENCY IN HADES 

Donald. “What do you think of him?” asked The 
Chief. 

“He is energetic, but he’s got me puzzled. He 
persistently talks of saving energy, helping the op¬ 
pressed, shortening working hours. He hasn’t 
undertaken any systematic uplift for the damned 
but I was shocked at his recent suggestion to give 
more room to lost souls. That would defeat the 
very purpose sought. I like him, I repeat, and 
don’t want to see him make any mistakes.” 

Lucifer was genuinely worried concerning Mac¬ 
Donald and he brought up the subject with Madame 
on their way to a gathering at the Engineer’s 
apartments. 

“Instead of looking after other people’s interests 
it might pay you to protect your own,” she retorted 
curtly. 

Lucifer whistled airily. 

“It will be another tune speedily, my fine fellow. 
MacDonald will perhaps find a place for you as 
oiler at the power house.” That hurt. 

“Stop right there. Long before you dreamed 
of the favor of princes; corps and divisions of gen¬ 
erations before the clan MacDonald boiled haggis 
on the slopes of Ben Nevis, I, Lucifer, held power 
in Hell and I say to you here and now that in that 
dim and distant future when Earth shall be drawn 
into the bosom of Mother Sun and the allotted 
population of our domain is completed in mass, 
Lucifer will continue to retain his power.” 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


69 


“Bravo! So you will destroy this interloper?” 

“No, I will aid him. There is an unchangeable 
law, and it holds in Hell, that you help yourself by 
helping others.” 

“What a generous and high-minded devil!” 

“No, a selfish and practical devil.” 

All of which explains why Madame lost little 
time in getting into conversation with the General 
Manager. She wanted to know what manner of 
man this was who could put such an impress on con¬ 
servatism and overturn established institutions so 
that even the highest became as clay. She found 
him chatting with The Lady and The Chief. A 
score or more of satellites were grouped around 
readily acquiescing in all things. 

“Come in close, Madame,” invited The Lady. 
“Mr. MacDonald has been telling the most inter¬ 
esting facts about the obligations we owe to those 
less fortunate than ourselves. The ladies are sim¬ 
ply crazy to inaugurate Social Settlement work 
here.” 

“What, my dear, is expected of us?” 

“In a word,” volunteered the Efficiency Expert, 
“to relieve suffering whether it be mental or phys¬ 
ical.” 

“What?” roared Lucifer, leaning over the outer 
edge of the circle. “We might as well close the 
gates of Perdition to-night.” 

“Do not misunderstand the General Manager,” 


70 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


hastened The Chief, “he does not propose to inter¬ 
fere with basic principles.” 

“I have a suggestion,” gleefully announced 
Madame. “Provide amusement for the poor. 
Let Mr. MacDonald organize a brass band. He 
can find plenty of talent.” 

“But we have no parks,” objected Lucifer. 

“I have appointed a Park Commissioner,” inter¬ 
jected the Engineer. “He is attached to the De¬ 
partment of Public Welfare. No doubt Asphodel 
can tell us what additional steps have already been 
taken.” 

“Ah, I was withholding this news to give you all 
a surprise,” confessed that executive. “We have 
copied from the most advanced practices on earth. 
A syndicate has offered to sell several large plots 
and we have already acquired one. Concessions have 
been sold to amusement proprietors, park benches 
installed and signs have been scattered around warn¬ 
ing the public to ‘Keep Off the Cinders.’ This 
little touch is requisite to give a real parky appear¬ 
ance. Later on we will establish a zoo.” 

“Quite cosmopolitan, my dear,” chuckled The 
Chief playfully pinching The Lady. 

“Madame had added a valuable thought,” 
beamed MacDonald. “All that we are lacking is 
music.” 

“Is there any further suggestion for the improve¬ 
ment of Hell along social lines?” invited The Chief. 
“Think of something, dear,” he pressed The Lady. 


71 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 

She was cudgeling her brain and wrinkling her 
ivory brow for an idea which would not ooze out. 
She was handicapped for she came from a hazy 
era when creation was young. 

“A salon,” proposed Madame, “where the bright¬ 
est minds can gather, the latest plays and the 
freshest literary products be discussed. A salon 
could add a touch of refinement so lacking here.” 

“Capital,” applauded MacDonald, “revive the 
glories of the old regime when beauty, bravery and 
brains mingled pigments in the most wonderful 
painting of history.” 

Here Madame was enabled to form an estimate 
of the General Manager, an odd combination of 
dreamer and doer. She was captivated by the one 
trait while the other compelled her admiration. 
How different from the handsome, frank, boyish 
Lucifer whose sole claim to fame depended upon 
plain honesty. 

“I do not know just how it will be received but 
in this connection would a police force be of any 
assistance to the Settlement Workers?” questioned 
a guest from Chicago. “There are some bad char¬ 
acters in Hell.” 

“Let’s have a fire department,” yawned Beel¬ 
zebub. 


CHAPTER IX 


I N the confusion the assemblage broke up into 
small groups. The Lady gave a toss of her 
head and MacDonald followed her into the 
conservatory. 

“Jim, dearest, you placed me in a distressingly 
embarrassing position to-night. You brought me to 
a conference in which I was helpless. I know so 
little about these subjects and I did not dare open 
my lips for fear of making some blunder. I felt 
like a china ornament.” 

“The most beautiful and rarest in all the world.” 
“But even you ignore me when serious subjects 
come up. I was vexed when I saw you carried away 
by the suggestions of Madame.” 

“You want to do something impressive, my sweet¬ 
heart, don’t you?” 

“Something that is peculiarly a woman’s work 
and will make me talked about. Now be a good 
boy and help me.” 

“Of course I will. I had intended to establish 
a Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. 
There is your mission. You shall make the an¬ 
nouncement this evening. You shall be president. 
It is something Madame would not have thought 

72 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 73 

of in a thousand years. She will be green with 
envy.” 

“You will show me how to manage it?” 

“Gladly. I will have all the details worked out 
and the organization will run itself. All you need 
do will be to preside at the meetings.” 

“Let us hasten back; I am impatient to crush that 
Madame woman.” 

They returned opportunely. Charon was be¬ 
moaning the loss of a favorite hell-horse from hoof 
and mouth disease. “It’s a pity so little attention 
is paid to these infectious scourges,” he complained. 

The Lady snapped her lingers to attract atten¬ 
tion. 

“I know that I can rely upon the support of the 
ladies but the encouragement of the gentlemen will 
be insisted upon in a semi-humanitarian cause which 
I am about to undertake.” 

“Tell us, please.” 

“We have been so absorbed looking after lost 
souls that we have given no thought to dumb beasts. 
They suffer and we pass them by. In this happy 
era do not let us forget the animals. It pleases me 
to suggest the founding of a society for their care 
and protection.” 

“A noble enterprise and I am for it,” and 
Charon, drawing out his check book, started the 
subscription list. The ladies gave shrieks of joy as 
the fund grew. 

“Do you mean to tell me that The Lady had a 


74 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


mentality strong enough to stand the strain of that 
idea?” hissed Madame as she backed Lucifer into 
a corner. 

“Perhaps not, my private guess would be that it 
came from MacDonald. But what’s the difference? 
It’s a good thought.” 

“Yes, too good for her.” 

Madame was so put out that she lost no time 
hunting up The Lady. Her congratulations on the 
plan to save dumb beasts from the woes of Perdi¬ 
tion were so effusive that The Lady knew in a 
second how much hurt the other was. 

Many very worthy movements fail because they 
become fads, real energy being diverted to after¬ 
noon teas. The Lady saved her society from 
decay by action. There was one section of the 
Byzantine hell in which the condemned spirits had 
been transformed into mules. They were har¬ 
nessed, hitched to carts and forced to draw heavy 
loads. One suffering sinner drew her attention. 
He was overloaded and his sides heaved under the 
strain of pulling a ton of pig iron up a steep grade. 
A brutal driver repeatedly slashed him across the 
flanks with a bull whip. 

“Cease beating that animal,” cried The Lady 
with indignation. “Can’t you see that he’s all 
fagged out. Give him a rest and remove that 

- n 

iron. 

“His job is to haul this load and he’s going to 
do it. Don’t butt in,” and the nasty devil jabbed 



“AS A FUN PRODUCER IT WAS REGARDED AS THE 

TOP-NOTCHER” 





































EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


77 


the point of his tail into the back of the sinner. 

“Come down from that seat. I am The Lady.” 

The driver grumbled but obeyed. With ill grace 
he threw a dozen bars of iron on the ground while 
the compassionate woman stroked the grateful 
damned. The crowd on the sidewalk cheered as she 
departed. Less than a block away she came across 
the wreck of a dray. The axle was snapped and 
one of the wheels badly dished. 

“How did it happen?” she inquired. 

“One of the sinners shied at a piece of asbestos 
paper in the road and ran away.” 

“We will have the damned provided with 
blinders,” she promised. 

One instrument of torture was called the Bucking 
Broncho. The patentees of the device had selected 
a wild and vicious hell-horse and turned him into 
a corral. On his back was fastened a saddle set 
with sharp nails which projected outward in all 
directions. The joke was to compel sinners to ride 
the Bucking Broncho. As a fun producer it was 
regarded as the top-notcher. Hither came all the 
devils in search of amusement to chase away the 
blues and the post and rail fence of the corral was 
always filled with jubilant spectators. There was 
a standing offer of $10 to the sinner who could 
stick on the broncho’s back for five minutes. It 
was exhilarating to see a victim shoot into the air 
ten feet and drop back into the spiked saddle. To 
be sure this could not be called high class comedy, 


78 EFFICIENCY IN HADES 

but it pleased Hell and was an innocent recreation. 
That is, it was innocent until a female deputy of 
the Society heard of it and protested. 

A committee was sent around to look into the 
case. The saddle was taken off and the back of 
the hell-horse was found to be badly galled where 
the blanket fitted loosely. That settled it. Despite 
protests of the managers, the Bucking Broncho was 
taken back to the stables. 

Beelzebub got so many kicks from his friends 
that he hunted up Lucifer. 

“The boys are not finding fault with those ladies 
who want to reform us. Far be it from the old 
crowd to impede the tractor of progress. The 
spirit of the uplift is in the air. It likely will re¬ 
main for some time. What I want to make mani¬ 
fest is the danger of a back draught. You know, 
Lucifer, that Hell is no May festival. Efficiency 
may be needed but it is dangerous. A lot of foolish 
stunts are likely to follow in its wake. If ever 
MacDonald starts to supply ice cream cones there’ll 
be an explosion. I’m simply warning you.” 

“There can be nothing to fear. The Chief won’t 
stand for fool acts. Tell the boys that the General 
Manager will rig up a mechanical horse that will 
heave sinners twice as high as the Broncho.” 

“Mind what I’m telling you.” 

“Run along. This place is getting more high- 
toned every day.” 

Beelzebub, who was a ward leader, was in a 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


79 


good position to catch the real inner feeling of 
Hades and his remarks annoyed Lucifer. He 
spoke to MacDonald about the malcontent. 

“If I were you I would devote my attention to 
the practical side for a little while and forget the 
ethical. Can’t you place that fellow to keep him out 
of mischief?” 

“No, he is a bad actor on the efficiency side.” 

“Why not make him leader of the band?” 

“Fie knows nothing about music.” 

“All the more reason. Being ignorant on the 
subject he would create his own standards. He 
would be original. Who knows but what he might 
establish an entirely new school. The worst that 
can happen is bad music and where would discord 
be more appreciated than in Hell?” 

MacDonald was unable to follow the argument 
but he saw the need of tranquilizing this turbulent 
spirit so he assented. Beelzebub felt honored by 
the appointment. It was an opportunity to get into 
the limelight. He accepted with alacrity. Mostly, 
however, Hades was terrified. 


CHAPTER X 


M 


acDONALD met Adam at the Engineers’ 
Club. 

“Sire, tell me with candor how you view 
my efforts to improve Hell,” he appealed. 

“My boy,” answered the old gentleman sprawling 
back in a huge arm chair and stretching his legs 
across a stool, “you have undertaken the impos¬ 
sible.” 

“I think you are mistaken.” 

“Of course you do; everybody else thinks I have 
been mistaken in all I ever said or did. That does 
not stop me from holding certain views and when 
I say that you are trying to accomplish a thing that 
must fail I give you the damned and worthless 
opinion of a still more damned and discredited 
individual. Nevertheless I speak to you as a father 
might speak to a son, knowing in his experience 
that the son holds small regard for the wisdom of 
his parent. You start with the assumption that 
Hell needs greater efficiency. You certainly know 
how to get this efficiency but what is quite sound 
from your point of view may be foolish from the 
standpoint of tradition. You may not realize it now, 
but you are a reformer; you are attempting too many 
things.” 


80 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


81 


“But efficiency means a single objective.” 

“Sacred Snakes, NO. Efficiency from your angle 
means diversity. Listen. Yesterday I sauntered 
through a sub-division of a hell that was put into 
operation by monks in the year 900 . One depart¬ 
ment is devoted to slicing up sinners. Until you 
came along my friends, the devils, used kraut cut¬ 
ters and by passing the victims to and fro across 
the knife they took off his thin coating of veneer, 
so to speak. You discard the kraut cutter and set 
up in its place a power-driven circular blade with 
an automatic feed. A fine piece of machinery I 
will confess, and one that allows considerable flexi¬ 
bility in the slicing. By turning a screw you can get 
strips of sinners a quarter of an inch thick or a 
sixty-fourth of an inch. Now, answer me. In de¬ 
signing that machine was your first thought the 
creation of something that would inflict more suf¬ 
fering or was it the desire to build something that 
saved energy and got better results in production?” 

“I thought of improved methods only; I would 
lessen torture.” 

“That’s just what I thought. Now, then, can 
you tell me why that patent improved, automatic 
feed, self-oiling, non-heating, roller-bearing sheer 
has made such a hit?” 

“Because it is a finer piece of machinery than the 
old one.” 

“Not by the gizzard of your grandmother. The 
sole reason why it is acclaimed by the imps is be- 


82 EFFICIENCY IN HADES 

cause it is a more excrutiating instrument of tor¬ 
ture.” 

“If I am here long enough I’ll change that.” 

“There, I told you that you were a reformer. 
My lad, I have been in Hell a long time. I have 
gathered to my arms many of our tribe. Among 
them were those who thought they could do a little 
reforming as a side line. They failed before they 
started. This is Hades. We must take it as we 
find it. It was established for a specified end. No, 
don’t try to establish new motives.” 

MacDonald shook his head in protest but Adam 
was on his way and didn’t stop. 

“I take a parental interest in you because I like 
to see a person put his time to good use. It grieves 
me to see all this suffering but I do not blame The 
Chief, for he is simply the agent. He knows as I 
know that all these manifold hells with their diverse 
and beastly punishments were conceived by my own 
children. The Chief had nothing to do with them 
in their inception, but once they were established 
and the administration turned over to him he 
pledged himself to give them all the Hell they were 
looking for.” 

“Then you don’t think that I was permitted to 
go ahead because I could improve Hades.” 

“Not by the congested kidneys of Caiphas. Just 
you try to install some machine that will soften and 
alleviate pain and see how quickly it will be thrown 
aside.” 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 83 

“But The Chief allowed me to organize a brass 
band.” 

“Does that make Hell any happier?” 

“And he has raised no objection to the Society 
for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.” 

“Have you tried to organize a Society for the 
Prevention of Cruelty to Sinners? But what’s the 
use! Let us talk of other things. The views and 
the advice of Adam are not worth a great deal.” 

“You have seen many changes here: surely it has 
been a fine privilege to see the growth of Hades.” 

The gentle breeze from the open window wafted 
Adam’s beard in lazy billows. He shifted into a 
more comfortable position, half closed his eyes and 
spoke as if to himself: 

“I was never truly consigned to Hades. When 
my allotted time ran out I found myself in these 
parts with The Chief and a few other restless 
spirits. We regarded each other as real compan¬ 
ionable associates and the past history of the other 
fellow never bothered us. We got a few additions 
from time to time. I noticed as the years went 
by that there was a marked improvement in my 
descendants. They had more intelligence and they 
had better bodies. I could see that habits of 
thought were becoming fixed and that modes of 
living were becoming standardized. This, I said, is 
Progress. By and by there emerged the germ of 
that thing which we to-day call morals. It was 
almost intangible but it seemed to establish in an 


84 EFFICIENCY IN HADES 

indefinite way the principle that some things were 
wrong. I noticed in the very early days of our 
family that when one person killed another and he 
was caught, or if he stole another man’s woman and 
was caught by the male relatives of the injured party 
we always had a fresh arrival. 

“Hell had its birth far away in the musty, groping 
past when my family began to emerge from the 
beast stage; when brain cells were developing. It 
was, in truth, centuries before the age of the cave 
man. There was but one law of justice and that was 
strength. Men slew, and it was right to their 
primitive minds that enemies should perish. In the 
days of the Men-Beasts they were content to allow 
the mass of broken bones and flesh to sink into the 
mud and be as a thing forgotten. But with the 
dawning of intelligence there came first the hint, and 
later the certainty of that other element which is 
called the Soul. 

“Consider, my technical youth, what a predica¬ 
ment your savage forebears were confronted with. 
They were still beasts and they continued to kill, 
but in the slaying of an enemy they were not satis¬ 
fied that they had inflicted upon him all of the pun¬ 
ishment that he deserved or all that he might endure. 
So, after they crushed him until the spark of life had 
fled, and after, in wild ferocity, they trampled upon 
him, your ancestors did something more. They 
killed him mentally; that is, they consigned him to 
the most awful tortures in an after existence that 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


85 


they could draw up in their wildest imagination. 
Fire was primitive and it became the common prac¬ 
tice after killing a man in hate to send his spirit to 
a mythical furnace for all eternity. 

“The wicked already had been gathered into one 
place by an accepted tradition; it was very easy to 
go one step more and to fix upon some very power¬ 
ful devil who could inflict such torture as the early 
mind could devise. 

“Gentle gall-stones, how I recall the forenoon 
that the first sinner under this new dispensation 
arrived. He walked up to The Chief and said: 

“ ‘You’re Satan.’ 

“ ‘Who says so?’ ” he replied. 

“ ‘Now don’t deny it. I have heard all about 
you. My foes hammered me to death with clubs 
because I slew the only son of a widow lady. While 
they were beating me they howled: 

“ ‘ “To Hell with you and let Satan roast you 
over a hickory fire for ten thousand years!” So 
here I am; proceed with the job.’ 

“ ‘I can’t see why I should be put to all this trou¬ 
ble,’ protested The Chief, ‘but if it will give your 
enemies any satisfaction and please you I guess I 
will have to oblige. I can’t promise to keep it up 
regular but I will do my best.’ 

“ ‘I suppose I’ll have to be satisfied with that,’ 
replied the sinner. The companions of The Chief 
helped him out at odd moments and when a few 
more guests arrived, all tagged for treatment, we 


86 EFFICIENCY IN HADES 

had the foundation for Purgatory. Mind you, this 
was long before any Sun Worshippers or Fire Wor¬ 
shippers sent any offenders against Religion to us. 
It was all material from individual or community 
feuds that came to The Chief. The time arrived, 
however, when I could see another emotion take 
hold of men’s hearts. I saw savage instincts soften 
by searching after something they felt was near 
them and which they could neither grasp nor under¬ 
stand; I saw the growth of a love which changed 
my children from animals to Men; I saw the birth 
of Faith.” 

MacDonald, the practical, listened with amaze¬ 
ment, for it gave him a new vision of Hell. 

“I have my own ideas about the meaning of all 
this but I don’t propose to enter into any discussion 
upon the subject,” commented Adam, “not even in 
Hades, for nothing can make so much discord as a 
dissertation on religion, and I value my friendships 
too highly to sacrifice them. I want to leave a 
thought with you. You feel something; you know 
it is a force which makes you better. It is an im¬ 
pulse to labor, an incentive to brotherhood. Cer¬ 
tain men try to interpret this feeling; they form 
associations to systematize these interpretations. 
Finally they lay down rules and compel you to accept 
dogma. The right of free will is taken away from 
you. If alone you attempt to go out in the wilder¬ 
ness and seek to get close to the Source, you are a 
heretic. If you possess courage and persist you will 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


87 


discover new truths which will gather to your side 
many of your fellows who are searching also. In 
time you will seek to fetter these to your particular 
creed. But again, listen, my fond juvenile. 

“Religion is not fixed. There can be no such 
thing as an Established Faith any more than there 
can be an established civilization or a permanent 
type of humanity. 

“I believe that Hell has seen its best days. As I 
told you before, the time is coming when there won’t 
be any hells surveyed or laid out, and it is within the 
range of possibility that there will come a dissolu¬ 
tion of the hells already in operation.” 

“Have you convinced many of the sinners that you 
are right?” 

“Not a blamed one. Ask any of the tortured to 
surrender his belief in the wisdom and the perma¬ 
nency of Hades and you take away his greatest 
joy.” 

For a full five minutes MacDonald pondered. 
He confessed: 

“Just between ourselves, I find it difficult to accept 
your views.” 

“Delicious diabetes! of course it is difficult. You 
have inbred in you numerous generations of belief in 
a very vivid Hell. I am unhampered by this defect 
and because I happen to be cursed with greater ex¬ 
perience I am regarded as the greater jackass. You 
might even resent my suggestion that you refrain 
from too deep an intimacy with The Lady. I would 


88 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


not interfere with the course of an ordinary love 
affair and I doubt whether any person in Hades 
cares a rap about such things, but there are reasons, 
some sentimental, some temperamental and some 
historical, why you should not permit yourself to 
become entangled.” 

MacDonald was so stunned by this sudden change 
in the talk that he hesitated between indignation 
and humiliation. 

“May I ask what interest you have in my affairs ? 5 ’ 
he demanded. 

“Simply paternal,” replied Adam as he arose, ex¬ 
cused himself courteously, and left the room. 


f 


CHAPTER XI 


I T was at this stage in events that MacDonald 
put the eight-hour day into effect; did it so qui¬ 
etly that the change was scarcely noticed on the 
operating side. It was the greatest economic move 
ever carried out in The Chief’s domain but there was 
nothing spectacular about it for by this time every¬ 
body had come to accept that when the General 
Manager said he would do a thing on a certain day, 
that ended the matter. 

MacDonald divided his force into three groups: 
the day trick began at eight A.M., the night trick at 
4 p.m. and the gas house trick at midnight. Perhaps 
there would have been more of a stir if the shops 
were fitted with whistles. The Efficiency Engineer 
maintained that a factory whistle was the surest in¬ 
dication of obsolete methods. Time clocks were 
utilized to keep check on the employees without any 
uprising. MacDonald had counted on some trouble 
and when the entire working force took to the time 
clocks with enthusiasm and embraced them like 
brothers he was upset. Lucifer explained it in this 
way: 

“If a stevedore down on one of Charon’s barges 
has been out to a mixed ale party and next morning 

punches his card an hour late, what are you going to 

89 


90 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


do about it? You can’t fire him and you can’t dock 
him. He’s more anxious to work than loaf. He 
wants something to occupy his mind and keep him 
from thinking how slowly the days go by. The chap 
who neglects to punch his card is regarded as simple- 
minded. The clock is looked upon as a beneficent 
institution particularly designed to help him pass 
away the time. He lingers over it tenderly. He 
absorbs all the sentiment contained in the mechanism 
and when he tears himself away he nearly weeps. 
If there is any one thing you have done, MacDonald, 
to endear you to the common people, it was to set up 
time clocks.” 

The General Manager felt himself speculating 
whether this also was the drive behind the carefully 
prepared office forms. Each report, cost and time 
sheet was a model of exactness. Every requisition 
for supplies was impressive by reason of the detail 
given to description of articles desired. He had a 
sneaking idea after Lucifer’s explanation that those 
forms were being utilized as first aids to wasting 
time. But why worry? So long as the system 
worked, who need care about the energy or hours 
spent? 

That was the way The Chief looked at it. The 
reclaimed administration was adding to his prestige. 
He found a sparkling company at the home of 
Madame, where he spent his evenings. The salon 
became one of the happiest spots in the community. 
It had real value. It saved Hell from becoming too 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


91 


technical. With the cares of administration taken 
from his shoulders, The Chief flung himself into 
gaiety without dashing recklessness. He knew that 
things were going better every day. He was com¬ 
pletely carefree. Always noted for courtly dignity, 
he developed a new side: a charming conversation¬ 
alist. He was a man of the world; his experiences 
had been varied and he had come in personal touch 
with ever so many clever people. 

During these evenings MacDonald and The Lady 
were much in each other’s company. Madame was 
quick to perceive this and adroitly arranged that the 
two should have unlimited privacy. But she was an 
observant woman—very. 

Delighted beyond measure by the progress shown 
by Beelzebub’s Silver Cornet Band, The Chief in¬ 
sisted that it should lead a parade on the day the 
Bessemer plant went into operation, considered by 
many as marking the real founding of Hell on an 
efficiency basis. Deep down in his heart MacDonald 
knew that the blowout was given to gratify the in¬ 
ordinate pride of the Infinite Worm, and Lucifer 
knew it too. They talked all this over and came to 
the conclusion that since the affair had to be held 
they might as well make the job complete—a gay 
and festive party with frills and embroidered edges 
and drawn work. 

It was a broad-gauge holiday with all the new fac¬ 
tories thrown open for public inspection. It was a 


92 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


day of rest for the wicked; a day of innocent merry¬ 
making for the employees. Public buildings were 
decorated. The boulevard leading to The Turrets 
became a Court of Honor lined with Ionic columns. 
Folks from the suburbs of Hades and even the re¬ 
mote country districts flocked in to take part in the 
show. The Infinite Worm was so nervous and fussed 
up that it got irritable. It insisted that the Boss 
Mason make a personal inspection of the lining, that 
the Master Mechanic try out the valves and air pres¬ 
sure, that the Chief Smelter give his word as a man 
and an expert that the sinners were high in heat units. 

“I shall die of chagrin if anything goes wrong,” it 
confided to the newspapermen. “Everybody expects 
big things from me. It is something new to be an 
industrial development and I scarcely know how to 
act. If I make any mistakes please let the public 
know that I am just recovering from a recent illness.” 

The Infinite Worm bothered a whole lot about 
the parade; needless fretting, because it had nothing 
to do with that part of the program. It was a stu¬ 
pendous pageant and well worth going to Hell to 
witness. The General Manager threw all the lugs 
into it that he knew, introducing an incredible num¬ 
ber of features that were new in those parts. Even 
Adam, who had seen the parade of the whole human 
race, was impressed. 

Partly out of convenience but mostly at the de¬ 
mand of the selfish beast, the reviewing stand was 
set up opposite the cavern of the Infinite Worm. 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 93 

When the procession had gone by and the reverberat¬ 
ing notes of the calliope were dying away in the dis¬ 
tance, The Chief, who was to press the button which 
launched the new industry, stepped forward on the 
platform and introduced MacDonald. Lucifer 
wanted the General Manager to limit himself to a 
few happy words, but MacDonald believing it to be 
the right and proper time to demonstrate his knowl¬ 
edge of efficiency began a long-winded dissertation 
that made everybody weary. 

“Dear me,” groaned the Infinite Worm, “why 
doesn’t he quit and make way for something spec¬ 
tacular?” 

The crowd wanted to be courteous but it showed 
signs of disintegrating. Lucifer leaned over the edge 
of the platform and when Beelzebub came close 
whispered something in his ear. The musician 
nodded and backed away about the time that Mac¬ 
Donald was becoming enthused over a new process 
for drawing victims out into wire and hardening 
them. 

“Sherardizing may be defined as a process of sub¬ 
limation, occlusion and adhesion, when considered 
with the theory of ions. It is possible to obtain—” 

An outburst of “Blue Danube” drowned the rest 
of the words. The Chief hammered on the desk for 
order. One blow hit the electric key which put the 
Infinite Worm into operation. The works started. 
Cords upon cords of the damned were swallowed 
with hundreds of tons of lime and a river of molten 


94 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


iron. There was the roar of a cyclone; the air was 
filled with myriads of sparks and flying meteors. A 
mighty shout went up from the spectators. Knowing 
that its reputation depended on this initial effort, 
the Infinite Worm threw its whole soul into the 
job. Burnt unreclaimed chunks of cinder and a tor¬ 
rent of metal spouted out. The Chief leaped upon 
the table and waved his silk hat in the air. Mac¬ 
Donald and Lucifer hugged each other. Sinners 
who had been palled by a too steady diet of liquid 
lead and burning oil struggled and fought for places 
in the waiting line while brigades of imps sweated 
and swore as they ladled this new fancy drink down 
the throats of the lost souls. 

“More sinners, more pig iron,” yelled the Infinite 
Worm. “Don’t crowd in on me, folks. Take your 
time; there’s plenty of Bessemer steel for all of 
you.” 

“Mr. MacDonald, this is a day which will never 
be forgotten in Hell. Allow me to congratulate 
you,” greeted The Chief. 

“All praise must go to The Lady,” replied the 
General Manager. “But for her efforts the Infinite 
Worm would be a liability and a poor one at that. 
Now it is a benefactor.” 

The Lady patted him on the arm, an action not 
lost on the torrent of Purgatorians, who sent up a 
thundering cheer. 

The crowd swept forward; the Engineer was 
lifted on the shoulders of a couple of husky stokers 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


95 


and carried in triumph down the congested, palpi¬ 
tating street. Old residents freely confessed that 
never in their experience had such a spontaneous 
demonstration of popularity been manifested. 

“It’ll be a week before the boys settle down,” com¬ 
plained Vulcan to The Chief. 

“That isn’t serious. They have been on their 
good behavior for a long time and we can overlook 
the fun. Recreation is a line thing.” 

“All right, Chief, all right. You are the boss and 
I stand by you but I want to go on record against any 
frivolity that may hurt your authority. Decorate 
and put a new coat of paint over the old place, Chief, 
but don’t disturb the foundations. 

“They are solid enough,” he answered confiden¬ 
tially as he turned to The Lady, suggesting de¬ 
parture. 


CHAPTER XII 


C 1 ) Y my oesophagus, it is a relief to be here,” 
commented Adam, settling back into a 
wicker rocker under one of the fern trees 
of the Liberal Hell. “The most delightful spot 
and the least popular. A mere handful of sin¬ 
ners enjoying its comforts where there should be 
overcrowding. You are all busy and you are all 
happy. You never worry about the morals or the 
doings of the next-door neighbor. Why can’t the 
rest of my family understand how foolish it is to 
wear sackcloth and decorate themselves with ashes; 
why can’t they get away from superstition; why 
can’t they abolish ignorance?” 

“It might pain them to be joyful,” replied a con¬ 
tented sinner in an adjoining chair sipping a lem¬ 
onade. 

“Most likely— Say, isn’t that Lucifer over there 
with The Chief?” 

“Yes, the pair of them usually come around to 
watch the baseball games. Shall I ask them to 
join us r 

“By all means; I like their company, liberal, kindly 
and refined, they, like your own pleasant hell, fur¬ 
nish refreshing relief from unpleasant surroundings. 
Who won?” he inquired of The Chief, who dropped 
into a chair on Adam’s left. 

96 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


97 


“The Broilers; they simply put it all over the 
other fellows. They have a spitball pitcher who is 
an artist. He held the Gridirons down to two hits. 
The other fellows are better base-runners, however, 
and if they had one good southpaw I believe they 
would cut some ice in Hell. I wonder if we couldn’t 
get some of the middling-to-liberal hells to organize 
teams so we might have a real league?” 

“Yes, but the most of the best material is over in 
the long-suffering hells and can’t be drafted,” re¬ 
torted Lucifer. “I’m afraid we’ll have to be content 
with the bush league.” 

“Confound this place anyway,” said Adam. 
“Everything spoiled because a man’s descendants 
insist upon the foolishest sort of punishments and 
the wickedest kinds of perditions. I sometimes 
think they are getting broader, and in the long run 
they are, but there is still a lot of nonsense in their 
makeup. They dream of boiling oil and pitchforks 
and furnaces and shrieks and curses when, if they so 
elected, they might have dancing and music. Hon¬ 
estly, Chief, doesn’t that kind of a Hell make you 
tired?” 

“It’s all the same to me, Adam. They established 
it and I administer it, but just in the lodge I will say 
that the bulk of your family show bad taste.” 

“Of course they do and that’s what makes me so 
hot. Can you imagine a more pitiable thing than the 
tract the gentle Father Furness wrote for children. 
He called it ‘Sight of Hell.’ Now, gentlemen, you 


98 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


will agree that anything written for the minds of 
children should carry joy and laughter and happi¬ 
ness. It should be full of love and tenderness and 
if a moral be drawn it should be through the brighter 
side of life. For, pity knows, the ugly side and the 
bitterness and the agony will be thrust upon them 
soon enough. Can any of you, devils and sinners 
you may be, imagine the workings of a teacher’s 
brain that tries to guide the young to goodness 
through paths of horror? 

“The prime story in the priest’s tract tells of a 
girl. If you should happen to come across here in 
Hell, a young maiden with soft brown hair, her fair 
face distorted by torture and agony, her breath 
coming in short gasps and her arteries filled with 
boiling blood you may know that this is the tender 
child. You can hear the boiling of the blood and 
you can hear the marrow as it seethes in her bones 
and you can hear the brains as they bubble in her 
head. And why was this punishment, this damna¬ 
ble torture, this accursed retaliation visited upon a 
being just budding into womanhood? Did she slay 
a babe in an inhuman way? Did she set fire to a 
building and destroy a hundred innocents? No. 
She was more depraved, more vile. She WENT 
TO the theater. No wonder the tender preacher, 
after describing how her brains are now cooking 
within the walls of a skull that is red hot, piously 
adds, ‘Think what a headache she must have.’ ” 

“Remember, Adam, that Hell has been brought 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 99 

to a state of perfection and refinement by religious 
men,” cautioned The Chief. 

“I understand. The trouble is that each tries to 
outdo the other in piling horror upon horror. With 
an infinite wisdom they create something that cannot 
be either proved or disproved and which at best can 
work only harm, and then they add the frills to 
make it tangible. They build a Hell out of nothing 
and people it with the best and the purest things the 
universe has ever known—human souls. Not con¬ 
tent with hurling full grown men and women into 
Hell, they must pick up babes and sucklings in whose 
feeble minds the first rays of intelligence are flutter¬ 
ing and dash them into the bottomless pits white 
with the heat immeasurable. 

“Religion has given my people a tradition that is 
told in the nurseries and whispered by pious mothers 
in holy ecstasy. It is the story of how the robin got 
his red breast. It relates that because of the origi¬ 
nal sin in me, a sin which I am proud of, the soul of 
a babe found itself in Hell along with millions of 
other tiny souls. Have you ever seen a baby suffer¬ 
ing from the heat; have you ever watched its delicate 
temples throb with fever; have you ever heard that 
soft, piteous wail, a weak appeal for water? 
Then you may understand and you may know how 
this small soul sent out its pleadings for a cooling 
draught on its parched tongue. A robin heard the 
faint cry and was touched. It was a wicked, vil¬ 
lainous, irreligious and damned robin but it could not 




-> > 

* ) > 


100 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


bear to witness the sufferings of this babe whose only 
sin was that it had never been baptized. So it flew 
away to a brook to fetch a single drop of the fresh 
and sparkling water. And when it had brought back 
the precious load; when it had stilled the wails of the 
infant, the robin looked down and saw that all the 
feathers on its breast had been scorched red by the 
fires of Hell. In punishment, mind you, of its of¬ 
fense against a religion which condemned that child 
to torment and resented any interference.” 

“Well, would you abolish religion?” queried 
Lucifer. 

“No, never; but I would take away all that is 
brutal and absurd and unreasonable and heathenish 
and the first thing tackled would be putting out the 
fires of Hell.” 

“And in that moment you would extinguish reli¬ 
gion,” firmly announced The Chief. 

“Not by the varicose veins of Voltaire. Real re¬ 
ligion is truth and will never perish, but foolishness 
will. Ask any student of theology in this age to give 
you a detailed description of Hell and its punish¬ 
ments and he will dodge. Ask him if he will sub¬ 
scribe to the views of Jonathan Edwards, a number 
of years back president of the College of New 
Jersey, which is a province in America, and he will 
dodge. Ask him if he accepts the scientific explana¬ 
tion of the Rev. Father Baur why hell-fire does not 
consume and he will dodge. Ask him if he believes 
Swedenborg ever visited or saw Hell and he will 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


101 


dodge. Ask him if he believes Luther met up with 
a devil and he will dodge. And for all of his dodg¬ 
ing he is apt to be as moral a preacher and as good 
a guide as the others.” 

“Had Edwards and Baur as clean-cut notions 
about Hell as the others?” inquired Lucifer. 

“Slightly,” answered Adam ironically. “Edwards 
was picturesque in telling sinners what a fine long 
spell they were in for. He predicted: 

“ ‘After you have worn out the age of the sun, 
moon and stars in your dolorous groans and lamenta¬ 
tions without rest, day or night—after you have 
worn out a thousand more ages, you shall have no 
hope but shall know that you are not one whit nearer 
to the end of your torments. Your bodies which 
shall have been burning in those glowing flames shall 
not have been consumed but will remain to roast 
through eternity.’ 

“Like all good theologians, the kindly priest Baur 
dipped into the scientific side in these words: 

“ ‘You know what happens when a man makes 
salt pork. The salt permeates by degrees through 
every nerve and fiber. It works into the very sub¬ 
stance of the bones and yet the meat is in no way 
disintegrated but rather preserved by this process of 
pickling. Precisely in the same manner the fire of 
Hell pierces the marrow, occupies the inwards and 
the brain boils therewith in raging smart and yet 
neither suffers death nor dissolution.’ ” 

“It can’t be refuted,” suggested Lucifer. 


102 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


“That’s the pity of it. No more can Tobias 
Swindon’s astronomical assertion that spots on the 
Sun are caused by congested masses of unburnt sin¬ 
ners be disproved or you can combat the technical 
stand taken by Samuel Hopkins that once the fires 
of Hell go out the light of Heaven no longer shines. 
It does strike me that it’s mighty poor economy to 
burn the larger portion of the population to supply 
illumination for the elect.” 

“Perhaps the elect wouldn’t make a strong enough 
light,” interjected The Chief. “I know what high 
candle power the damned can supply.” 

“Yes, but it hurts me to see my own relatives de¬ 
voted to such commonplace ends.” 

“Don’t worry; just give MacDonald a little time 
and he will be getting twice the illumination with 
less material.” 


CHAPTER XIII 


A GOOD day’s work done in the Chinese hell,” 
MacDonald announced to The Lady, who 
was absorbing feverishly every minor item in 
the efficiency system and who daily followed the im¬ 
provements. She gave him a sympathetic smile, 
encouraging him to go into details which in them¬ 
selves were dry and technical but which were manna 
to her. 

“Our material there is brittle. We have so much 
on hand that it must be stored until the force can 
handle it. Evaporation takes place and unless the 
greatest care is exercised the percentage of waste is 
out of all reason. Now notice how efficiency comes 
to the rescue. In order to reduce the cost of storing 
and handling sinners and to prevent damage to the 
stock itself, we have installed especially designed 
retaining racks. 

“Short souls of large diameter are stacked by 
placing a pair of iron bars bent up at each end like 
a sled runner, under each layer of the accursed in 
the pile. The hooked ends on these safety bars pre¬ 
vent the stock from rolling out and make it possible 
to build up the stack with just as many of the 
damned in the top layer as in the bottom layer, in¬ 
stead of in pyramid form. 

103 


104 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


“Longer sinners, but of comparatively large di¬ 
ameters, are stacked between upright rods. Wrought 
iron pipes are imbedded in the concrete floor in 
vertical positions with the tops of the pipes just flush 
with the floor. The upright steel rods between 
which the victims are stacked are dropped into these 
pipes. The pipes are closely spaced in this section 
of the floor and the upright rods can be arranged in 
any position desired to suit the amount of stock on 
hand. 

“Other racks are used for storing sinners of the 
smaller diameters. These racks are built up upon 
cast iron arms extending from vertical columns, and 
the stock is laid across these arms. 

“Overhead traveling hoists make it easy to place 
the bars on the proper stacks. For transporting the 
shorter round souls after they have been cut to 
length and centered, a special truck is used. The 
frame of this truck is made from angle iron curved 
at the ends so that the sinners cannot roll off.” 

“So simple and yet so orderly,” exclaimed the 
gratified Lady. “The last time I was in that par¬ 
ticular department the damned were lying around in 
confusion and disorder. So much was rendered use¬ 
less by carelessness.” 

“No more carelessness under my system. Can 
you imagine a state of affairs under which the imps 
find it profitable to prevent breakage?” 

“It is simply wonderful.” 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 105 

“Yes, during the past week every imp got a 
bonus,” MacDonald continued. 

“Do you recall that huge machine over in the 
printing department—the one we use to emboss se¬ 
lected sinners?” 

“Yes, it puts such delicate tints on them. But 
why do you ask?” 

“Simply to give you an illustration of how effi¬ 
ciency can be applied to prevent accidents. Before 
I started to install safety devices that embossing ma¬ 
chine bit off more than eight thousand claws, hoofs 
and tails attached to the devils operating it. I put a 
guard around it that cost $ 9.54 and now any imp is 
safe in running it. Why, I would be willing to 
wager that a crew of epileptic devils could run it a 
year without so much as a split finger nail. 

“In this safety first game you’ve got to use educa¬ 
tion. It took a lot of argument to convince the 
heads of departments and a lot more argument to 
show the common fiends it was for their own good. 

“Over in the tannery are big wooden drums for 
treating hides of flayed sinners each big enough to 
hold four hundred. One kick at a lever close to 
the floor will set the drum spinning. Now, work¬ 
men have to go inside to remove the hides. Twice 
it has happened that some one came along and set 
the drum turning with a devil inside! We have 
now provided a locking device so that nothing can 
start a drum if the fellow inside has the key. 


106 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


“Here are some of the rules I laid down in my 
‘Safety First’ campaign: 

“ ‘In engine rooms floors should be kept free from 
oil and grease to prevent devils from slipping and 
falling against moving parts of machinery.’ 

“ ‘Flywheels should be guarded. Railing, wire 
net or metal casings may be used.’ 

“ ‘All elevators should have automatic gates at 
least six feet high at each floor, platform or scaffold. 
Where the cage travels past beams, floors, and so 
on, these should be beveled and sheeted on under 
side to prevent any one getting caught.’ 

“ ‘Runways used for walk or wheelbarrow shall 
be at least twenty-four inches wide, cleated under¬ 
neath. Cleats should be provided to prevent imps 
slipping.’ 

“ ‘When possible, all material should be piled at 
least four and one-half feet from switch tracks. If 
this cannot be done, signs should be posted, “No 
clearance for devils on side of car.” ’ 

“ ‘Celluloid eye shields, cap fronts, “waterproof” 
collars, all very inflammable, should be forbidden in 
foundries, blacksmith shops and other places where 
they may ignite from a flame or spark.’ ” 

“Dear Jim,” broke in The Lady. “I want our 
people to know the beautiful things you are doing 
for them.” 

“My Lady, a few years hence Hell will wonder 
how it ever struggled along without me.” 


CHAPTER XIV 


T HEY swung lazily through the heated sum¬ 
mer months, each day showing a more 
compact organization and higher efficiency. 
They diverted themselves with Old Home Week. 
They conducted a Country Fair. They worked 
hard; they played hard and it was a happier and a 
brighter Hell than they had ever known. Autumn 
came with its wealth of color. There were no 
frosts. Only a tang in the air that put life and 
spirits into the most jaded. Over the pumice fields 
hung an indescribable haze which deepened into soft 
purple as evening fell. The baying of the Hell¬ 
hounds which had resounded in the valleys during 
the afternoon ceased. The train of sportsmen and 
their ladies returning from the hunt straggled 
homeward. 

Cutting down through a narrow by-path, the En¬ 
gineer and The Lady entered a picturesque glen 
carpeted with disintegrated asbestos, soft as down, 
and fringed with the overhanging branches of petri¬ 
fied cedars. They dismounted and seated themselves 
by the side of a rivulet of lava which rippled and 
sang as it merrily ran its way. The Lady was in a 
bantering mood. 

“When will we tire of this, Jim?” 

107 


108 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


“Never.” 

“That means a long time here.” 

“All the more reason for us to be happy. A love 
that has no ending is something to look forward to.” 

“You may become tired of me?” 

“Does any man flee from inspiration?” 

“Your work broadens, becomes more absorbing; 
why should it not drive me out of your thoughts?” 

“All effort must have a goal; all energy must ulti¬ 
mately reach a definite end. I have thought of this 
and I tremble to contemplate that sometime I will 
have perfected such a system of efficiency that opera¬ 
tion will be automatic. Under earthly conditions 
this is a theoretical state which never can be reached. 
Here it is more than a probability; it is a certainty. 
When that era of organization and development is 
attained my work may be considered at an end. I 
must have something beyond this—some grand am¬ 
bition. I hope to find it in you.” 

“Tenderly spoken, my knight; you shall not be 
disappointed.” 

MacDonald kissed her on the forehead. His 
head dropped into her lap and as they talked her 
fingers played through his crisp locks. 

“It’s strange how things that we can’t understand 
ultimately turn out for the best,” he mused. “I 
know that I have little excuse for bringing up a 
personal matter, but my family life was not pleasant. 
Now that it is all past and gone I can speak freely 
and without rancor. I married a woman who had a 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


109 


violent temper. Her love was strongest when I 
gave her an excuse for jealousy. When I was tract¬ 
able she suspected me but when I fought she adored 
me. She interfered with my professional career. I 
fell into decline which she mistook for laziness. She 
used to tell me that she would make my life a hell on 
earth. Now I am in a fair position to judge; I can 
see how far she fell short of the promise; if she only 
had made it half a hell how happy we might have 
been. I was ignorant then. How absurd it was for 
me to struggle to escape, but I did fight until the 
burden became too great. I had invented an ele¬ 
vator which needed only to be tested to prove its 
success. I tried to get my friends, my enemies, utter 
strangers and life-weary wanderers to become pas¬ 
sengers. They declined. I appealed to my wife to 
take a trip. She answered back: ‘Try it yourself and 
to Hell with you.’ That’s how I got here.” 

“Do you regret it?” 

“Not for a second; and what’s more I intend to 
install that elevator in Hades. It can drop a load 
of sinners quicker and harder than any pile driver 
we have in stock. It is an indispensable adjunct to 
our equipment.” 

One of the Hell-horses pricked up his ears but 
neither of the two on the bank of the stream noticed 
it. Absorbed each in the other they did not observe 
a figure on a mount approaching through the stone 
forest. On the soft earth the animal’s hoofs made 
no sound as it advanced in a sort of aimless fashion. 


110 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


The rider was not aware of the presence of the 
others until within thirty feet. The whinny of a 
Hell-horse caused him to raise his head. He sat 
quietly. A half-smile when The Lady bent over to 
kiss MacDonald was the only indication of interest. 
He did not linger but with the apologetic air of one 
who intruded and wished to make amends he turned 
his mount and quietly departed. Not long after, 
The Lady and the Engineer galloped back to The 
Turrets. 

The Chief, fastidious and well groomed, was 
throwing an opera cloak across his shoulders when 
she came out of her apartments. 

“I have a dinner engagement at Madame’s, my 
dear,” he volunteered. “I shall return late.” 

“Don’t you think you are spending too much time 
at that woman’s house? I am entitled to a certain 
amount of consideration.” 

“There are two sides to our work: the esthetic 
and the practical. You can be of great aid to the 
General Manager in developing efficiency while I 
may be able to do my little share in fostering the 
growth of our finer side. Let us do our parts as we 
see best.” He kissed The Lady’s hand and went out. 

He was stopped on the sidewalk by a delegation. 

“Chief, we represent the Fraternal Guild of Ap¬ 
plied Dentists,” began the spokesman. “We have a 
complaint, or rather an appeal, to make.” 

“Proceed, gentlemen.” 

“To make a long story short, we feel that we are 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


111 


being deprived of a livelihood; that our occupation 
is being taken away from us; that our entire profes¬ 
sion is in jeopardy.” 

“In what way?” 

“Gnashing of teeth has ceased since the installa¬ 
tion of the efficiency fad. In the good old days the 
gnashing of teeth was one of the favorite occupa¬ 
tions of the unredeemed. Even the youngest can 
recall that in the majority of the sub-hells the noise 
of gnashing was so great that megaphones were 
used by the foremen. Steady practice wore down 
the molars. All of us had plenty to do. We were 
called upon to cement broken teeth, fill others and 
make bridge work. No man can do any gnashing if 
his teeth are worn down to the gums and many a day 
I have put crowns on stumps bringing joy to the dis¬ 
consolate. Is there any more pleasing sight than a 
Hell full of maddened inmates gnashing in unison 
upon sound bicuspids? Is there any more entertain¬ 
ing department or one more entitled to encourage¬ 
ment? And now this happy recreation is being 
slowly throttled by modernism; sacrificed on the 
block called Efficiency while thousands of our fel¬ 
lows are being deprived of employment.” 

“In what way, gentlemen?” 

“There is no inducement to gnash. All our early 
and older hells made careful provision for this fea¬ 
ture, the specifications distinctly providing that there 
should be a certain place set apart for wailing and 
gnashing of teeth. Anybody can wail, even a child. 


112 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


No art is required and no practice called for that 
but with gnashing it is a far different story. It takes 
a full grown man of vigor and temperament to ac¬ 
complish anything approaching satisfactory results. 
In the later hells gnashing was discarded. We did 
not complain because we had plenty of work in hand. 
But when your Efficiency Engineer invaded our terri¬ 
tory and on the strength of a superficial survey de¬ 
cided that gnashing is a useless and nonproductive 
pastime and puts dentists to work picking unburnt 
coal out of the ash bins so that nothing will go to 
waste, we assert it is time to call a halt. It’s a scan¬ 
dal to think of some of our most proficient profes¬ 
sional men who have spent their existence here 
acquiring the full technic of gnashing, turned out on 
the dumps where ability counts for naught.” 

“There is another side to this, gentlemen,” The 
Chief said. “I have just seen a report from our 
General Manager showing that by diverting the 
gnashers into segregaters he has cut down the cost 
of operating the power plant by eight per cent. That 
means a vast sum of money.” 

“What’s going to become of us?” 

“I cannot say. Most likely you will be employed 
to help in grading. We are going to dump those 
ashes into the low spots of Hell. Filling is in your 
line and you may become more useful than ever.” 

With a burst of wild howls the Applied Dentists 
fled into the night. 

“It may be,” thought The Chief, “we will be com- 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 113 

pelled to proceed slowly in the policy of eliminating 
useless occupations. Customs are deeply rooted and 
traditions of centuries may not be altered without 
argument. Gnashing was a pretty practice after all 
and it harmed nobody. Pity it had to go.” 

Lucifer had not returned from work, Madame 
informed The Chief when he made brief inquiries. 

“He telephoned me that there was some friction 
in the Transportation Department and when this 
was adjusted he had an appointment with Vulcan. 
He did not tell me what this was about. The fuss 
with Charon has been going on for about a week. 
Lucifer told the old gentleman that motor boat rac¬ 
ing on the Styx had to cease. The boys were slip¬ 
ping out with the power boats at night, joy riding 
and the news got to MacDonald. He gave Lucifer 
an awful raking over, hinting that discipline was lax 
and advising him that if he wanted to hold his job 
Charon should be compelled to stay on the works or 
get out. The foolish Lucifer took his lecture like a 
child, admitting that the responsibility rested on him. 
He hunted up Charon and where do you think he 
located him?” 

“In the library reading the log book of Noah?” 

“Ha-ha-ha! Charon, who owns a six hundred 
horse power high gear racer, in his library? My 
dear Chief, Lucifer saw a streak of lightning flash 
past the Admiralty Building raising a six-foot wake. 
He caught a sight of the old gentleman at the wheel 
and he heard a crowd of girls crying, ‘Let ’er out, 


114 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


Pop. Brush the cobwebs off the river.’ When 
Charon cut straight through an oil tanker and 
jammed his steering gear the girls said it was a 
pity such a pleasant evening had to be spoiled by 
people butting in on their river. Lucifer called the 
old rogue to the side when the party landed so as 
to not embarrass him in front of the guests and 
gave him MacDonald’s orders but did not make 
the slightest impression. He intended to seek re¬ 
laxation in his own way, he said, and so long as 
he kept traffic moving it was nobody’s business 
how he put in his spare time. Lucifer explained 
that he had no right to use public property for 
private jaunts but the old chap offered to pay for 
the boat then and there. Lucifer then told him how 
he had broken half the harbor regulations and was 
setting a bad example. I really am ashamed to give 
you Charon’s comments on the idea of setting a bad 
example in Hades. I told Lucifer on the phone to 
turn the case over to MacDonald and let him discip¬ 
line the head of the Transportation Division.” 

“Why didn’t Lucifer fetch Charon over the head 
with a boat hook?” 

“He might have done worse under the old system 
but he is carried away with Efficiency and MacDon¬ 
ald’s idea is to win the support of inferior officers by 
moral suasion and argument.” 

“That is true. I forgot.” 


CHAPTER XV 


T he voice of Lucifer in angry dispute was 
heard in the hallway. He burst into the 
apartment followed by Vulcan, who was 
remonstrating: 

“I’ll leave it to The Chief, I’ll leave it to any 
man, I’ll leave it to Hell. Posterity can judge; 
history can decide. I am willing to take blame for 
my own actions but you can’t hold me responsible for 
a system, Lucifer, you can’t do it and be fair.” 
“Come, gentlemen, this will never do.” 

“I tell you, Vulcan, there is no excuse,” shouted 
Lucifer, ignoring The Chief and shaking his finger 
under the nose of his companion. “That’s the third 
lot of evaporated Malays to be rejected by the in¬ 
spectors. I gave you the benefit of doubt in the 
other two instances but with this last batch I took 
samples myself. The contract called for an article 
that was bone dry. Did you give it? I ask you, did 
you give it?” 

“Let me explain.” 

“Explanations don’t make business. Chief, I 
want to tell you that not one of those Malays con¬ 
tained less than twenty per cent water. They should 
have been evaporated so that they would crackle. 

The inspecting crew was right in rejecting them. 

115 


116 EFFICIENCY IN HADES 

Store stuff like that away for two weeks and it will 
be so mouldy and mildewed that it will not bring five 
cents a hundred pounds.” 

“I couldn’t dry them properly. I didn’t have—” 

“Don’t I know that?” 

“Let Vulcan finish,” commented The Chief. 
“Tell Mr. MacDonald that I want him.” 

“Look me in the eye, Lucifer,” insisted Vulcan. 
“Look me squarely in the eye and answer me 
whether you ever had any complaint about evapo¬ 
rated Malays until the new machinery was in¬ 
stalled?” 

“What new machinery?” interfered The Chief. 

“The new superheated steam system. I never 
used anything but old-fashioned furnace heat until 
the General Manager figured out a way to utilize 
the exhaust. He superheated it in some way and 
set up a lot of pipes. I can’t get results with it.” 

The Efficiency Engineer arrived while Vulcan was 
explaining the details of the new appliance, consist¬ 
ing of a drying tube fitted with coils of pipes. 
Throughout the length of the tube was an endless 
belt. Mathematically it was perfect; that is, the wet 
material was placed on the belt and carried through 
the tube in a given number of minutes at the end 
of which the evaporated Malays were supposed to 
be dumped into a receiver by the conveyer. An 
enterprising student wanted to make an attachment 
to get value out of another waste and in that way 
produce what he was pleased to call Smoked Malays, 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


117 


but Vulcan did not desire to change the brand. The 
fault that Vulcan found with the new evaporator 
was that it sacrificed quality for speed. 

MacDonald listened attentively, asked a few 
questions, and said: 

“Lucifer is quite correct. The responsibility rests 
solely with Vulcan for allowing a deficient article to 
go out. The defect in machinery has no bearing on 
the case. Granted the apparatus did not work 
properly, it was the duty of the man in charge to 
detect the fact that the Malays were only evaporated 
on the surface. He should have shut down the 
plant, destroyed the imperfect stock and reported to 
the constructing department.” 

“But your men told me the machine was guaran¬ 
teed to work.” 

“You should have made tests. It is an axiom of 
efficiency, my dear Vulcan, that nothing is sound 
until demonstrated.” 

The head of the operating department picked up 
his hat viciously: 

“Economy or no economy, we’re going back to 
the furnace method. I know what that will do to 
the damned Malays.” He left in anger. 

The Chief, who had been ill at ease, turned upon 
the General Manager. 

“Don’t you think, Mr. MacDonald, that a part 
of the blame comes back to the young men in your 
engineering department?” 

“Not at all. I am extremely careful to have the 


118 EFFICIENCY IN HADES 

figures of our designers checked and double checked. 
You will find, if you look at the drawings and the 
specifications, that this machine is perfect. I can 
readily see how there might be a lowering of heat 
units but we have provided a sufficiently high factor 
here. Efficiency’s greatest obstacle is the human 
factor. The speed at which the endless belt travels 
might theoretically be nine feet a second. Suppose 
a careless employee allows it to proceed at eighteen 
feet per second and you have an article that instead 
of being bone dry is only fifty per cent dry.” 

“I see, I see,” agreed The Chief. “We must in¬ 
crease the skill and proficiency of the employees. 
Incidentally may I ask what you intend to do about 
Charon?” 

“We can bring him around all right and if severe 
measures are required time locks will be placed on 
the magnetos.” MacDonald was firm. 

Lucifer and the General Manager went into the 
study to examine some charts prepared in connec¬ 
tion with the most comprehensive public improve¬ 
ments yet contemplated, the repaving of Hades, 
while Madame carried The Chief off to the con¬ 
servatory, where she had some rare blooms, ferric 
cuttings. She pouted because the intellectual side 
had not been developed in proportion to the in¬ 
dustrial progress. 

“Mr. MacDonald is impressing you because he 
creates something tangible. The education of the 
masses, the raising of a standard of intelligence and 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 119 

the fostering of a love for the beautiful can never 
be popular because they are abstract.” 

“The time is not yet ripe for a Renaissance in 
Perdition; we are a long way from Culture Uni¬ 
versal. This is an industrial age. Let us profit 
by it.” 

“There is a difference between industry and ex¬ 
periment. You have always had industry. All you 
are doing now is providing another method to pro¬ 
duce the same result; at least, you believe the same 
result will follow. To-night you have had an ex¬ 
ample of one result that was unsatisfactory.” 

“Merely a technical failure.” He chucked her 
under the chin and in that odd moment The Lady 
emerged from behind a clump of foliage. There 
was imperious anger in the eyes of the First Female 
of Inferno. 

“I merely called to take you away from the social 
uplift,” she announced in low, measured tones, “but 
I hardly counted upon interrupting a dainty domestic 
scene. We shall depart now, if it pleases Madame.” 

The Chief followed meekly as she swept up her 
long train. 

When they were seated in the limousine she 
turned upon him. “A pretty occuoation for the 
much respected executive of all this realm,” she 
hissed. “You seek out the higher intelligence to 
obtain companionship and cooperation just as if you 
cannot find it in your own home. You try to im¬ 
prove Hell by philandering with she-devils. You 


120 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


ought to be ashamed of yourself, at your age. How 
dare you look Lucifer in the face after making love 
to his friend?” 

“Do you think Madame likes me?” 

It was infuriating, this mild, innocent query. 

“Does she like you? No, she quite hates you; she 
has no ambitions whatever. She loathes the pros¬ 
pect of taking my place in The Turrets. But I warn 
you; don’t be too certain of getting rid of me; don’t 
be so foolish as to believe that I will surrender every¬ 
thing to make that woman happy. Remember that 
I have some influential friends in Hell.” The Chief 
opened his lips to make a reply, then drew them 
together in a tight line, restraining his impulse to 
speak. 

“Why don’t you answer me?” 

“Because you are a foolish Lady.” 

The following evening she was shocked by his 
announcement that he intended to call upon Ma¬ 
dame. She protested in anger, then in tears, but 
he ignored both and went out. He returned early 
and for some reason she could not understand The 
Lady was glad. Still, her bitterness against her 
rival was intense; it grew greater as she brooded. 
With a woman’s logic she associated her troubles 
with the change that had come over Hades and be¬ 
came convinced that MacDonald held a share of the 
blame. 

More courteous than ever, suave to a degree, quiet 
in his dignity, The Chief left The Turrets each eve- 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


121 


ning and came back after not more than an hour’s 
absence. In that short interval The Lady suffered 
more torments than any sinner in the most brutal 
division of the Stygian empire. She did not know 
how to meet his moves. He greeted The Lady ten¬ 
derly, then went to his study. During these trying 
days she refused to meet MacDonald; held to but 
one confidant, the Infinite Worm. To it she freely 
told her misfortune and begged advice. The Infinite 
was frank; brutally so. 

“You brought this trouble upon yourself. Half 
of Hades knows how you and the General Manager 
have been sloshing around, and the wonder is that 
The Chief has not made a protest. Nobody says 
there has been any actual wrong about your associa¬ 
tion with MacDonald but when talk is loose the 
worst phase is always placed upon even Platonic 
friendships. I’ll tell you that the efficiency man has 
fooled all of us. There is just enough sound sense 
in his game to make it look dazzling on the surface 
but the core is full of air bubbles; I, for one, am 
getting tired of it. 

“I didn’t make an industrial institution out of my¬ 
self because it held any strong attraction; no indeed. 
You persuaded me. I always have been too accom¬ 
modating for my own good. MacDonald hasn’t 
closed down the works once since I went into opera¬ 
tion. He treats me like a machine and forgets that 
I have refined feelings. One of these days I’ll get 
disgusted with my existence and create a scene that 


122 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


will make all Hell sit up and take notice. I don’t 
make vain threats.” 

The Lady shook her fair head sadly. “Perhaps I 
was too much impressed by the General Manager’s 
winning manners.” 

“Well, my advice to you is to pay more attention 
to your home and take less stock in efficiency. You 
always were too ambitious.” 


CHAPTER XVI 


L IS TE N," said Adam. “Now that Eve got you 
j two fellows together I intend to tell you 
just what I think of you." The Infinite 
Worm squirmed. Beelzebub smiled sheepishly. 

“If there is anything detestable in Hell it is gos¬ 
sip; bad enough on earth but simply unthinkable 
here." He pointed a finger toward the Infinite 
Worm. 

“You know and Beelzebub knows that once we 
get settled in Hades there is slight reputation left to 
any of us, but what small fragments remain should 
be very precious. Let us hold fast to them." 

“I’m sure that I never said anything about you," 
protested Beelzebub. 

“By my patient pancreas, talk about me all you 
choose but don’t talk about any other person; and 
show some decency by keeping the women out of 
your slanderous comments. Half a dozen loud¬ 
mouthed imps have come to me with stories that 
both you two chaps have been circulating; stories 
that connected the names of The Lady and the Gen¬ 
eral Manager. If your finer sensibilities were 
shocked and if you thought Hell was getting a hard 
name, why didn’t you hunt up The Chief and tell 

him so; or, why didn’t you go straight to The Lady 

123 


124 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


and beg her to reform; or why didn’t you chase 
MacDonald and convert him to a better and a purer 
life? I ask, why didn’t you? I can’t say that I ex¬ 
pected you to display any of the higher ethics be¬ 
cause you never had advantages, being a sinner; but 
I did count upon something better from the Infinite 
Worm.” 

“Didn’t I tell you it was wrong?” demanded the 
last named, looking fiercely at his associate. “Didn’t 
I warn you that it was unfair to The Lady and most 
unbecoming?” 

“You were the first one to tell me of the scandal.” 

“Yes, but I spoke in confidence; I had no idea that 
you would spread the dirt across all Hell.” 

“Not much that is creditable can be said for either 
of you,” pronounced Adam. “The Infinite Worm 
must have talked with a regiment of friends—in 
confidence—while you seem to have busied yourself, 
Beelzebub, by spreading the glad news from the 
housetops. Just between us three, The Lady is not 
apt to go into hysterics because, like myself, and 
others, she has been discussed a whole lot. The big 
point is that she has to live up to her standing as 
companion to The Chief and all of this chatter is 
very apt to cause him pain. That would be 
cruel.” 

“Far be it from me to bring him any annoyance,” 
remarked Beelzebub as his conscience smote him. 
“I, for one, am ready to put an end to this immoral 
agitation.” 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


125 


“Spoken like a true devil,” exclaimed the Infinite 
Worm enthusiastically. “I am standing right by 
your side and the next person who dares to make any 
evil allegation about The Lady, The Chief or Hell 
itself will have to settled with me.” 

Adam left them in sickening disgust. He met 
Charon. 

“Walk with me to the dry-docks,” invited the 
head of the Transportation Department. “I want 
to confide in you.” 

“What’s up?” 

“It is about that Efficiency Expert; his morals are 
bad.” 

For a full five minutes Adam swore; it partially 
relieved him and he said resignedly: 

“Go ahead; unburden yourself; I’ll do my best for 
the sake of good morality.” 

“Madame came to me last evening,” began 
Charon with gusto, “when I had a little party of 
friends out for a spin and she suggested that more 
propriety ought to be shown by The Lady in her 
affair with the General Manager. I told her that I 
was glad she opened the subject because I too had 
noticed an undue interest manifested by MacDonald 
and it grieved me to detect a reciprocal response on 
her part. We discussed the situation in an open and 
liberal spirit, please remember, having in mind the 
best impulses of Hell. The Madame said that she 
felt it was only fair to The Chief that some person 
of standing and position should place him on his 


126 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


guard, so she honored me with that task. She de¬ 
duced that the fault lay in the inordinate ambition 
of The Lady, who sought to increase her prestige 
by advancing MacDonald to such a degree that in 
time he, and not The Chief, would be in complete 
control of the Infernal Regions. 

“To be sure I informed Madame that this was in¬ 
conceivable but, nevertheless, I agreed to consult 
with you since you know more about The Lady than 
any of the rest of us. I think I assented to the gen¬ 
eral program that the Efficiency Expert be shown 
the error of his ways; not in a spirit of captious 
criticism but rather through loving and tender ad¬ 
vice to the end that he might come to see how he 
was bringing odium to a happy and contented com¬ 
munity and thus alter his habits. Both Madame 
and I felt it was distressing to see a young man 
tempted. Madame was of the opinion that Mac¬ 
Donald’s fine career was being ruined under the 
spell, the wicked influence, I might say, of an older 
and more designing mind. To reassure you, Adam, 
I will say that I resented and rebuked the suggestion 
that The Lady was bent on the overthrow of The 
Chief; a revolution in Hell we know would be im¬ 
possible. My own personal view is that The Lady 
has been dazzled by the unique system inaugurated 
by the man. Recalling your own associations with 
The Lady, I hope I have not hurt you.” 

“Do you know what I think of you?” 

“Nothing unworthy, I trust.” 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


127 


“Yes, worse than that; I tell you, Charon, that 
you are a long-winded, hypocritical, muck-minded 
ancient fraud.” 

“Dear me, this from an old friend?” 

“Listen; have you talked on this damnable subject 
with any other person?” 

“Not a lost soul.” 

“Are you certain about that?” 

“Come to think about it, I did happen to allude 
briefly to the matter when I warned several of the 
girls to be more careful but I used the incident 
merely as an example. Perhaps, yes, I am sure that 
Madame spoke to Lucifer.” 

“How did he take it?” 

“Well, she told me that when she opened the 
topic he shut her up; informed her flatly that she 
had so little room to talk about the frailties of 
others that if she tried it there wouldn’t be breathing 
space. I can’t understand that chap; he acts more 
like a saint than a sinner.” 

“More power to him. Hell hasn’t spoiled Luci¬ 
fer; but you want me to aid you in conserving the 
unsullied morals of Hades. I’ll do it, do it gladly, 
but you must do your share. This assistance shall 
consist of convincing Madame that she must seal 
her mouth shut. It is not easy. Both of you must 
forget all you have heard and all you imagine. Give 
MacDonald all the cooperation that is in your in¬ 
sectivorous soul. Place your reliance in my ability 
to lead him upon better and more narrow paths; 


128 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


have faith in my skill to persuade The Lady to for¬ 
get all save her home influence.” 

“We will be guided by your wisdom,” replied 
Charon, and he cut short the painful interview to 
direct his energy toward an immigrant boat warping 
in at a nearby wharf. “Drop that fender lower, 
you horned toad of a dock walloper!” he shrieked to 
a deckhand, “Do you want to scrape all the paint 
off the side of the craft? Ease up on that line; ease 
up I say, or you’ll hurt somebody. Officer, hold that 
crowd of cattle back until they get the gangplank out. 
Bust that wop in the face, he’s crowding the women. 
Hold them back; hold them back. I never saw peo¬ 
ple so much in a hurry to get to Hell.” 

Adam walked away with the imprecations and 
orders of Charon ringing in his ears and he pondered 
on the sad state into which Hades had fallen. No 
longer was it like the old days, no longer was it 
soothing. 

“I wish I were back in—no, I don’t,” he corrected 
himself on second thought. “This place, after all, 
is very real and the fact that new machinery, new 
methods, new conditions surround us is proof of ad¬ 
vancement and proof that we have a solid foundation 
and are progressing. The Chief has the right idea; 
let the best brains work out the future, and while woe 
follows in the wake of activity, still activity means 
advancement, and that is our goal. Happiness and 
progress cannot be in true harmony.” 


CHAPTER XVII 


T HE LADY found a motley delegation in 
conference with The Chief. A wild bar¬ 
barian, tribal leader, was making the talk. 
“On earth, Your Excellency, we were the laugh¬ 
ing stock of others because we were called Devil 
Worshipers. In our innocent way we believed that 
you were confined to the Infernal Regions for ten 
thousand years, at the end of which time you would 
be restored to your once high estate with increased 
power. We reasoned that if this be true, and if in 
the end you came back as a mighty ruler then it 
would be poor policy to abuse you when you were 
down and outcast. We do not say, Your Excel¬ 
lency, that it is not the proper thing for the rest 
of the world peoples to call you bad names, to hurl 
insults at you or to treat you contemptuously. The 
world never ceases to kick the man in disrepute. 

“If we, poor barbarians who came from the foot¬ 
hills of Asia Minor mountains, did not believe 
Your Excellency would be released from Hades we 
might do some kicking ourselves. But we hold to 
another hope. So we say, and so we teach our 
children to say: ‘Here is a devil who has done 

wrong and is being punished. When he gets out 

129 


130 EFFICIENCY IN HADES 

he will be given his old job. Very likely he will 
have a great deal to do with us. Therefore let us 
hold a kind word for him. Let us say he will be 
a better man for his suffering. Let us forget the 
evil that once was in him and look only to the good 
that he may be able to do in the future.’ Then, 
when all things are atoned for and we, humble and 
ignorant mountain folk, come before Your Excel¬ 
lency, it is our hope that we will be dealt with con¬ 
siderately. Perhaps we are selfish. Our purpose 
however in coming before you to-day is on another 
matter; we beg an indulgence.” 

“What is it?” 

“For a long time we have dwelt on the slopes of 
barren hills in the distant parts of Hades. We have 
harmed no one; all that we ask is to be left in peace, 
the peace of Perdition. But a stranger has come 
among us bringing with him reckless men and 
strange towers which are set upon high spots. Also 
a steam engine which raises and drops a heavy spear 
into the ground. This stranger tells us that he has 
been sent by a great man called the General Man¬ 
ager to seek for petroleum. This petroleum stuff 
is black water and it smells. We are told that it is 
fine for boiling sinners. We do not know why sin¬ 
ners should be boiled. We cannot understand why 
we should be driven from our homes to please sin¬ 
ners. We ask Your Excellency to protect us from 
this General Manager who would destroy us.” 

The Chief looked away from the ragged group. 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


131 


He saw The Lady standing in the doorway, tears 
glistening on her long lashes. He beckoned to her 
and as she approached the hill-people dropped to 
their knees in homage. 

“We will allow The Lady to decide,” he an¬ 
nounced. 

She gazed upon them. She saw yearning hope 
shining in the half averted eyes of men and women. 
She felt that mysterious touch imparted by the 
primitive soul and which is so often lost under the 
varnish of refinement. She looked beyond The 
Turrets to a ragged, torn, inhospitable country 
dotted with stone huts, a land of solitude. Exile 
to this spot an inhabitant of any other part of Hell 
and he would bemoan his fate as heartless. And 
yet, to these it was pleasant because it was Home. 

“Go back to your hills, my friends,” she told 
them. “Go back and know you that so long as one 
stone of this castle rests upon another you will not 
be disturbed. Go back to your fields to find the 
derricks levelled and the streams of black grease 
sealed up.” 

They crept forward timid as children and kissed 
the edge of her gown. In silence they passed out 
of the great hall. 

The Chief bent over The Lady. 

“Do not lose your faith in efficiency,” said he 
with a smile. 

She clung to him sobbing passionately. 

“There are some things that efficiency cannot do.” 


132 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


“Do you think it unsuited for our peculiar 
needs?” 

“Yes, it is not true and not real. It merely is 
a gilding laid on common sense. Get rid of this 
thing that has hurt me.” 

“I am sorry, dear girl, but I cannot accomplish 
that quickly. I have given my pledge for a fair 
test. The good it has accomplished thus far out¬ 
weighs the negative side.” 

“Then at least keep the General Manager away 
from The Turrets. I cannot trust him.” 

“Very good,” he replied. 

There was a break in their conversation with the 
entrance of a terrified imp who flung himself at the 
feet of The Lady crying, “Protect us, guard us from 
the mutilating hand of the monsters.” 

H is face was pale, his clothing was in shreds. 
What was most shocking was that his horns were 
gone. 

“What has happened to you?” demanded The 
Chief. “Speak up.” 

“An order has been issued by the General Man¬ 
ager commanding that we be de-horned. He says 
horns are neither ornamental nor useful and must 
be removed. They’re gouging them off with chisel 
and mallet. To think that all this suffering should 
come to Hell. Oh-h-h,” and the poor devil rocked 
in agony. 

“What can I do?” asked The Chief. “Perhaps 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 133 

Mr. MacDonald has some good reason for doing 
this; I do not like to interfere.” 

“If you do not command that this cruel order 
be rescinded at once,” warned The Lady, “I shall, 
as President of the Society for the Prevention of 
Cruelty to Animals go to the offices of the General 
Manager and arrest him. Do you want me to make 
a public exhibition of myself?” 

The Chief clapped his hands for a messenger. 

“Notify Mr. MacDonald to suspend the order 
de-horning the imps until he receives further word 
from me,” he commanded. 


CHAPTER XVIII 


D ARK Asfal is the profoundest degree in 
the Mohammedan hell. There are few 
roads and pilgrims find the traveling pain¬ 
ful. There is but a single form of punishment, hill 
climbing. It requires seventy Autumns for the 
average pedestrian to reach the crest of the eleva¬ 
tion, and when he arrives at the end of the journey 
alert guards compel him to retrace his steps and 
repeat the trip. The soil is a mixture of sand and 
pitch, sticky and clinging. It holds back the sinner 
at every step, caking his feet with heavy masses of 
stuff that weighs like lead. Struck by the peculiar 
composition of the mixture through which weary 
damned ones dragged their way, one of the guards 
named Samuelson, who was taking a course at the 
Agricultural College, made a soil analysis. 

He sent his papers to MacDonald with the sug¬ 
gestion that the material might be found available 
for road-making. Meanwhile this bright young 
man, working his way through school gathered a 
few of his friends together, organized a syndicate 
and leased the mining rights of Dark Asfal on a 
royalty basis. They got very favorable terms be¬ 
cause the sheiks in charge of the Moslem section 
liked the idea of a steady income. The promoters 

134 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


135 


took out several tons of the stuff, refined it, built 
up a stretch of road that looked all right, and be¬ 
cause of its having been discovered in Asfal, they 
called the new material Asphalt. The General 
Manager sent several inspectors to report on the 
sample road. The honest young man who was try¬ 
ing to turn an equally honest penny convinced them 
that this was a wonderful discovery. 

Such flattering statements came into the office that 
the Efficiency Engineer went out himself and veri¬ 
fied the find of an inexhaustible supply of first-class 
asphalt available for re-paving Hades. With this 
material every street, alley, road, boulevard and 
lane would be smooth as a floor. Lucifer advised 
against haste and warned him to wait and see how 
the wearing qualities of the asphalt stood up against 
the paving formerly used. MacDonald was arbi¬ 
trary. 

“I know all about asphalt,” he said with finality. 
“I know that this is the best I have ever laid my 
eyes on and when I can have it laid at eighty cents 
a square yard it’s almost like getting it as a gift.” 

So he made a contract with the Bedouin Con¬ 
struction Company, organized by Samuelson for 
the re-paving of Hades. Enormous crews immedi¬ 
ately started to rip up the old streets while armies 
of other devils followed right back of them put¬ 
ting down the asphalt. Road rollers puffed and 
rumbled. The contractors suggested that the com¬ 
pleted streets be blocked off until a large part of 


136 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


Hell had been provided with clean, new, smooth 
streets. They told him the effect would be much 
more impressive if he threw open to the public use 
in one grand flourish the miles upon miles of im¬ 
proved streets, rather than a few blocks piecemeal 
fashion. 

“You can hold a parade on the smooth paving 
with music, speeches and open air dancing. It will 
be the climax of your career,” the scholarly Samuel- 
son showed him. 

MacDonald rubbed his hands with delight. Mat¬ 
ters had not been going very well. He could not 
understand why The Lady persistently refused to 
meet him although he suspected that the petroleum 
and the de-horning incidents had much to do with 
it. There was an undercurrent of opposition from 
the employees. The attitude of The Chief had not 
changed, however, and Lucifer was loyal as ever. 
Both watched the building of the new streets with 
absorbing interest. The Chief was impatient for a 
spin over the asphalt in his motor car. He assented 
to MacDonald’s request that he lead the procession 
on the day the thoroughfares were opened to pub¬ 
lic travel. 

Collections of payments on completed work were 
made with undue haste by the treasurer of the 
Bedouin Construction Company. This created talk 
and there were hints of graft in the Highway De¬ 
partment. 

Still another delegation visited The Turrets, this 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 137 

time a body of sinners who wanted night schools 
established. 

“Under the new system we notice that our daily 
tasks, punishments and penances are completed in 
half a day,” read the communication they presented. 
“This leaves us with twelve hours of unoccupied 
time on our hands and we hold that it can be utilized 
to large advantage by night schools, public lyceums 
and lecture courses.” There was a lot more but 
The Chief refused to read. He turned loose a pack 
of hell-hounds and drove them off the grounds; then 
he sent for Lucifer. 

“If we are turning this place into a pleasure 
resort, I want to know it,” he added after explain¬ 
ing the latest experience. “What’s the cause of this 
time being wasted?” 

“Improved machinery, more efficient methods. 
You remember, Chief, when it took us a full day 
to rip our guests into halves with a buck saw. 
Now we use a gasoline engine and do it in quarter 
the time. So it is all through Hell.” 

“Cut ’em into quarters, sixteenths, thirty-seconds. 
Boil ’em twice as long. Double and treble every 
punishment. Get the most out of your machinery, 
Lucifer. Keep things on the jump so that there 
won’t be any time for fads.” 

“But the General Manager says the efficiency 
system demands relaxation.” 

“Who is running this place?” 

“You are, Chief.” 


138 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


“Well, obey me. I like efficiency. I would not 
be without efficiency for a second but when it con¬ 
flicts with the motives of Hell, principles are going 
to be maintained. No matter what Mr. Mac¬ 
Donald says you apply efficiency so that it will in¬ 
crease torture and not soften it.” 

Lucifer saluted. He hunted up Madame and 
told her the glad news. 

“Perhaps it would be wise under those conditions 
for me to put aside the intellectual development,” 
she replied. 

“I agree with you.” 

Without saying anything to the General Man¬ 
ager, Lucifer sent word down the line to heads of 
all departments to use their best judgment in all 
details of management but no new fangled appli¬ 
ances were to be discarded because of bias. Re¬ 
verting to first principles sub-devils brought out the 
toasting forks abolished by General Order No. 
627 , using them right merrily in putting the unre¬ 
generates through their paces. MacDonald was 
shocked when one of the imps declined to surrender 
his badge of control, boasting that Lucifer would 
sustain him. He hustled around to The Chief. 

“I want to serve notice that I intend to discipline 
Lucifer for disloyalty,” he ejaculated. 

“Disloyalty to whom, Mr. MacDonald?” 

“To me, to the Organization. He has interfered 
with the System, so that I cannot control the men. 
Every elevator in Hades has ceased running and 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 139 

the devils have gone back to their old tricks of hurl¬ 
ing sinners into the bottomless pits instead of using 
the more humane lifts. They say it saves time. 
Lucifer gave them permission. One of the guards 
insulted me when I told him to stop jabbing his 
victims with a fork. Am I the General Manager 
or is Lucifer?” 

“You are, Mr. MacDonald.” 

“Then he shall suffer for his interference.” 

“No, he was simply acting on my orders.” 

Stupefied, the Efficiency Expert stammered. 
“Have you abandoned my magnificent work?” 

“Hardly, I am merely trying to get back to first 
principles. Let us be frank. I will admit that there 
is much that is good in your new ideas and you 
have a faculty for getting results. I am beginning 
to fear, however, that you misunderstood what is 
expected of us. We have but a single excuse for 
maintaining Hell as a public convenience—we are 
called upon to inflict punishment. When we depart 
from this motive we become useless and cannot 
justify our existence. In so far as the spirit of effi¬ 
ciency is applied to extending painful experiences, 
it has my support, but when you convert Hell into 
a Recreation Center then I protest. Mr. Mac¬ 
Donald, I have given you full and generous assist¬ 
ance and I still want you to succeed. To do this 
you must grasp the true conception of your work. 
The interference of Lucifer is merely an effort to 
keep you in the right path.” 


140 EFFICIENCY IN HADES 

“I have been trying to do my best for Hell and 
I cannot change this beautiful plan.” 

“All that I ask is that you do your worst and 
Hades will be the better for it.” 

“You ask me to destroy everything. I cannot 
do it. I will leave Hell first.” 

“Suit yourself, Mr. MacDonald. I am avoiding 
any display of feeling but I merely advise you that 
self-defense forces me to throw my protecting arm 
over the Infernal Regions. No man can ignore the 
rumblings of the Infinite Worm. No self-respecting 
devil can afford to permit helpless imps to be de¬ 
horned. No executive can permit commonplace sin¬ 
ners to bask in the sunshine of a luxurious Hades 
because they are sympathetically regarded by a Gen¬ 
eral Manager.” 

“This is insulting.” 

“Be calm, Mr. MacDonald. Go home and medi¬ 
tate. Then come to me and admit that I know how 
Hell should be managed. I shall take part in the 
opening of the new streets to-night. That is a con¬ 
structive measure which helps everybody and does 
not conflict with our motives. I wish, however, 
that you would take the trouble to assure the In¬ 
finite Worm that it will be allowed to occupy its 
time in destroying the damned and will no longer 
be employed as a steel converter.” 

“What! Allow that selfish beast to gloat over 
me; apologize to the grovelling lizard! Not in ten 
thousand years. I wash my hands of Hell right 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


141 


here. I hand it back to you but remember, if you 
ever send for me and ask me to help you out of 
your trouble I shall refuse flatly.” 

“Very well, Mr. MacDonald,” acknowledged The 
Chief as the General Manager slammed the door. 


CHAPTER XIX 


C ROWDS were commencing to gather for the 
formal opening of the asphalt highways. 
MacDonald brushed aside a tear as hurry¬ 
ing away from the distressing interview he glanced 
at the faultlessly graded streets unsoiled by hoof 
or wheel. The ingratitude of Hades made him 
bitter. Avoiding the places where he was best 
known, he slunk to the great square he had laid out 
in front of the home of the Infinite Worm so that 
the beast might have a pleasing outlook. 

This was to be the first stretch of asphalt opened. 
The Chief’s car was to lead. Ropes kept the throng 
back. The deposed Engineer said within himself 
that he would witness the success of his final efforts 
and then he would go far away. He concealed 
himself behind a pillar, waiting. He saw mes¬ 
sengers dashing through the crowd; he heard them 
inquiring for the General Manager; The Chief 
wished to have Mr. MacDonald present. 

Other messengers and pages sought to locate the 
contractors. They were to be the guests of honor. 

The populace grew impatient and cries of “Start 
the show,” “Move the parade,” “Clear the street; 
we want to dance,” caused The Chief to signal that 

the ropes be lowered. The Lady seated herself 

142 



“‘SWAT HIM/ SHRIEKED THE PRISONERS IN THE 

STREET” 






































I 






f 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 145 

beside him, smiling warmly on the joyful multi¬ 
tude. 

The state automobile dashed forward on the 
beautiful sheet. Beelzebub’s Silver Cornet Band ad¬ 
vanced proudly. A signal rocket went up and all 
over Hades new streets were covered by the happy 
devils. MacDonald swallowed a lump in his 
throat. Then he stiffened and his eyes bulged in 
horror. The wheels of The Chief’s car sunk to the 
axles. The triumphant march of the musicians 
hesitated, floundered, halted. Infernal yells of 
anger went up from tens of thousands of throats. 
All Hell was trapped in soft asphalt. A terrible 
mistake had been made. Efficiency had failed be¬ 
cause of local conditions. Asphalt is material for 
streets in any place outside OF Hell. Here it 
wouldn’t harden. The mob cursed and sweated and 
struggled. Panting devils labored to get one hoof 
out of the mess only to find the other imbedded 
deeper. More selfish ones clutched their neighbors 
and endeavored to pull themselves free. The other 
fellows resented such unfairness and punched out. 
A free-for-all fight resulted. It was a calamity that 
spread itself from one end of Hades to the other. 
MacDonald trembled at the horror of the catas¬ 
trophe. He tried to slip from his hiding place when 
he ran squarely into Samuelson, the agricultural 
student, who with a satchel in his hand and hat 
pulled down over his eyes, was fleeing. 

“You swindler,” shouted the Efficiency Engineer 


146 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


leaping at the other, “you have ruined my reputa¬ 
tion.” A couple of devils pulled them apart. 

“It’s the General Manager,” they shouted. 

“Swat him,” shrieked the prisoners in the street. 
In the excitement the contractor butted a hellion who 
had been holding him and got away. The mob 
piled on MacDonald until The Chief, who with 
The Lady, had been rescued from the machine on a 
bridge of sheet steel, ordered that the unhappy Ex¬ 
pert be brought forward. 

A new horror now seized Inferno. There was a 
rumble which increased in force. The earth shook. 
The air was filled with sinner scoria, imported fire 
brick, ashes and sparks. Thunderous explosions 
repeated themselves and the ground trembled so 
that the unfortunate imps caught in the asphalt 
rocked until their teeth chattered. The cause was 
speedily known. 

“The Infinite Worm Had Turned” 

Weary of a commercialized existence, disgusted 
with the strain of Efficiency, the beast’s spirit had 
finally broken. 

Lucifer afterward told Charon that he expected 
to see The Chief fly into a violent passion when 
the General Manager was dragged before him, but 
his self-possession was superb. 

“Mr. MacDonald, I have little desire to humili¬ 
ate you. If you required any more proof of the 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 147 

failure of your system it has been supplied to-night. 
To-morrow we go back to the old order. Special 
provision will be made for the entertainment of 
such Efficiency Engineers as come to us in the fu¬ 
ture. Perhaps you have noticed a sign hanging 
above one of the Persian hells reading: 

“ ‘Prepare him a bed of fire and bed-clothes of fire 

And open the door toward Hell.’ 

“You can try it. Later we will see how much 
efficiency you can get out of turning a grindstone 
with one hand and sharpening a pitchfork with the 
other. Lucifer can re-pave Hell with Good Inten¬ 
tions; an old material but it wears well.” 

Adam pushed his way through the crowd. He 
was trembling with excitement. 

“Give my boy another chance, Chief. He meant 
well but he has not been here long enough. Let 
me take him under my parental guidance. Even 
now I have not lost faith in him; my poor erring 
lad.” 

“I too will try to keep him straight, if you will 
forgive him,” pressed Lucifer. 

The Chief shook his head negatively. 

Adam again turned to the occupants of the car. 

“Then I make my last appeal to you, Eve,” he 
said. “For the sake of the old days I beg of you 
to use your influence to save one of your own chil¬ 
dren from disgrace. You tempted him and he fell.” 


148 


EFFICIENCY IN HADES 


“I have heard that before,” and The Lady be¬ 
stowed one of her sweetest smiles on MacDonald 
who, before he was led away, rested a hand on the 
sobbing form of Adam, squared his shoulders and 
flung his defiance. 

“Though treated worse than a step-dog, I am not 
discredited. The highest endorsement Efficiency 
can get is to have Hell reject it.” 


THE END 


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